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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 11 May 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 11 May 2014

A Push Please

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 8.43/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (96)

It was the strangest thing...

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, without warning, and with unusual patterns of destruction. In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.

The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. "It was the strangest thing... it was the strangest thing..." she kept repeating dazedly.

"What was the strangest thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.

"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and the whole darned house suddenly drained away."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

Knock Knock Collection 073


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ginastera!
Ginastera who!
Ginastera at the people!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ginny!
Ginny who!
Ginny a kiss!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gino!
Gino who!
Gino me, now open the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Giovanni!
Giovanni who!
Giovanni go to a movie!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gipper!
Gipper who!
Gipper your best!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (3)

We need to help these people

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (5)

Lawyers Off Bridge...

What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?

Pollution.

What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?

Solution.

Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (4)

“My wife wanted me to...

“My wife wanted me to take her to visit Northern Canada but I was having Nunavut!”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (10)

Same colour

When Nancy bought half a dozen underwear for her husband Ned, Ned commented, "What made you buy the same colour honey? People may think I never change my undies."
Nancy asked, "which people?"
The silence was deafening!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (12)

Chuck Norris hears sign langua...

Chuck Norris hears sign language.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 May 2011
  • Currently 3.22/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (55)

Cowboy in Church

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd still feed him."So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 August 2010
  • Currently 5.23/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (13)

Lessons from Comp 4

I recently finished up teaching Comp 4, the computer literacy course here at UNC, during a compressed summer session. Comp 4 is an introductory class that assumes NO knowledge of computers among its students, and believe me when I say that this was often the case. The class was great fun to teach, and one of the facets that made it interesting (day-in and day-out) was the wealth of new knowledge that the students imparted to me on tests and examinations. I thought that I'd share some of these nuggets with you. My comments are in the standard C delimiters (/* and */). *Your* comments are encouraged. Here goes:

Bacchus invented FORTRAN. /* I knew FORTRAN was old, and that it may have been designed under the influence of alcohol, but... */

There are three kinds of program statements: sequence, repetition, and seduction.

There are two types of graphics: vector and rascal. /* Otay... */

Programming languages have specifictions. /* Obviously this student has dealt with a few standards. */

Macs are compatible with each other. /* Imagine the alternative: "What's your Mac's serial number? We'll go back to the warehouse and get your software."

*/

Doctors use computers to create a three demential picture of a person's brain. /* Is this classic, or what? */

One kind of a hostile computer program is a Trojan.

C is a logical programming language. /* */

Heuristics (from the French heure, "hour") limit the amount of time spent executing something. [When using heuristics] it shouldn't take longer than an hour to do something. /* An absolutely terrific "false cognate". */

Having the computer automatically fill in images for animation is called "spleening". /* Derivation: most likely "splines" + "tweening". */

One method of computer security is a phone line. /* She qualified it later by adding, "You have to know the number."

*/

Video games are examples of fault-tolerant systems.

On one test, I gave the students some abbreviations and asked them to tell me what they stood for. You won't believe the creativity of a student in a test situation. For example, one of the abbreviations was "fax", which *really* stands for "facsimile". However, various Comp 4'ers said it stood for: Fiber-optic Aided Xeroxing Frequency Automatic X-rays

/* and my favorite... */

Fast A** Xeroxing

The students also had to hand in term papers, and these were rife with interesting tidbits. I've clipped a few, quoted verbatim:

"The worst thing the Mac has to offer, is that cooperative multitasking is not available to be used."

"... footnotes present an interesting problem, which may be solvable by Hypercad."

/* I assume the last term is the newest rage -- a free-form database for designers. */

"...Linda, a blind girl, was able to attend public school due to the aid of a speaking computer that taught her the basic fundmamentals [sic] of grammar and spelling."

/* Linda may want to lend her computer out... */

"The program is manufactured by Quantel, a Silicon Valley company located in Clearwater, Florida."

/* A *long* valley, as my roommate put it. */

"At the beginning of each season [Edwin] Moses teats himself on computerized weight machines..."

/* Ouch! */

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 May 2012
  • Currently 3.16/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (37)

blonde getting a haircut

A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.

the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".

after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 May 2011
  • Currently 4.76/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (34)

God offered Chuck Norris the g...

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 May 2011
  • Currently 3.37/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (27)

During a political debate the ...

During a political debate the politicians were asked to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

The first one, a democrat, came up with an answer right away. He said, "One of my hobbies is painting, and no matter if I paint with water colors, or oils I always fascinate people with my work."

The second politician, the republican, said "My grandfather was a magician, and when ever he performed a trick be it with cards, or hoops, or magic balls he would always fascinate us."

The third politician, an independent, said "I don't know if I can do that."

The MC of the debate said, "Go ahead take a couple of minutes then give it your best."

The third politician thought for a while then said, "I know this gal, one time she went to the store to buy a new blouse. The blouse had ten buttons on it, but when she went to button it her boobs were so big that she could only fasten eight."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 May 2011
  • Currently 6.08/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (12)

Q. Why are married women heavi...

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 October 2009
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (80)

Cured

A woman went to doctor's office for her annual examination.

Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.

A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman's doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren... and you told her she was pregnant?"

The woman's doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.40/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (20)

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