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Jokes of the day for Monday, 26 May 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 26 May 2014

A man is walking down the stre...

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 2.75/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (4)

“Steve was such a gre...

“Steve was such a great con man that he made millions by selling his book 'The Path to Logical Lying'.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Getting Screwed Thousand Times

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

Summertime lunch @ Bryant Park, Aug 2009 - 03

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - Lonely bear

Lonely bear - lonely bear sits and waits | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (8)

A beautiful woman in her thirt...

A beautiful woman in her thirties was passing through customs in London, when the customs official asks her what the reason for her trip to London was.
Business or pleasure, he asks?
Sadness and pleasure! She says to the officer!
Why?
Well, my 75 years old husband has just died and I came to his funeral!
My condolences, says the officer!
It must be a very difficult and painful time you're going through!
Not really, this is my pleasure! I'm so sad because only now I found out that he was dead broke and did not leave a dime, a penny, not even a Will for me!
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (3)

The test...

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.

They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

Answering Machine Message 09


Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

Bear Hunt

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

Life insurance premiums are ba...

Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from Chuck Norris.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 May 2012
  • Currently 4.45/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (51)

Little Miss Muffet sat on her ...

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 May 2011
  • Currently 2.64/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (50)

Girls Night Out...

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 May 2009
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (43)

Fuzz

Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane.

He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.

"Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"

"What did ya expect ?" Phoebe sez, "A perm?"

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 May 2012
  • Currently 5.24/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (29)

Drew Fraser: Settling Down

Trying to find one woman that I can spend the rest of this weekend with.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 May 2012
  • Currently 4.94/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (16)

Catching Cows

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 September 2013
  • Currently 6.23/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (13)

Pain reliever

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient shouted.

The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected.

"I can't do the gas thing!” the man protested. “The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill.

"No," the patient said. "I am fine with pills."

The dentist said, "Here is a Viagra tablet."

The patient replied: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

A woman goes to a doctor named...

A woman goes to a doctor named Dr. Wong. "Doctor, I can't get a date, no one will go out with me." In a very thick Asian accent, Dr. Wong says, "Take off clothes and get on all four hands and knees." She does. "Now crawl to wall." She does so and looks back at him. "I know what wrong." “What is it Doctor! What do I have?" "You have Ed Zachary disease." "Ed Zachary disease? What is that?!" "You face look Ed Zachary like you ass!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

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