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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 01 June 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 01 June 2014

Time For a Get Together

What time is it when 20 dogs and one cat get together?

20 after one.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (9)

Cannot Undress

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 5.89/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (9)

SLIDESHOW #7 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Volunteer fire department...

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

#joke
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (5)

Unpaid Parking Tickets


The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Chicago Tribune
William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Funny Photo of the day - Old time(r) room

Old time(r) room | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (5)

Top 10 reasons

Top 10 reasons for being French:

1. When speaking fast, you make yourself sound gay.

2. You own half the world's perfume industry and still never use deodorant.

3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frogs' legs.

4. If there's a war, you can surrender really early.

5. You don't have to read subtitles on late night films on Channel 4.

6. You can test your nuclear weapons in other people's countries.

7. You can be ugly and still become a famous star.

8. You can allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street and humiliate your sense of national pride.

9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.

10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

Top 10 reasons for being Italian:

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.

2. You are unembarrassed to wear fur.

3. No need to worry about tax returns.

4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 AD.

5. You can wear sunglasses inside.

6. Political stability.

7. Flexible working hours.

8. You live near the Pope.

9. You can spend hours braiding your girlfriend's armpit hair.

10. Sicilian murderers run your country.

Top 10 reasons for being Spanish:

1. You have a glorious history of killing South American tribes.

2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.

3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes and Brits.

4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.

5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.

6. Honesty.

7. The only sure way of bedding a woman is for you to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.

8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.

9. Gibraltar.

10. You supported Argentina in the Falklands War.

Top 10 reasons for being Indian:

1. Chicken Madras.

2. Lamb Passanda.

3. Onion Bhaji.

4. Bombay Potato.

5. Chicken Tikka Masala.

6. Rogan Josh.

7. Popadoms.

8. Chicken Dopiaza.

9. Meat Bhuna.

10. Kingfisher Lager.

Top 10 reasons for being American:

1. You can have a woman President - without electing her.

2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.

3. You can call Budweiser beer.

4. You can be a crook/adulterer and still be President.

5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.

6. If you can breathe, you can get a gun.

7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.

8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

9. You can call everyone you've ever met `buddy'.

10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth when you're not at all.

Top 10 reasons for being English:

1. Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah.

2. Warm beer.

3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.

4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.

5. Union Jack underpants.

6. Water shortages are guaranteed every summer.

7. You can live in the past and imagine you're still a world power.

8. You can bathe once a week - whether you need to or not.

9. Ditto - changing underwear.

10. It beats being Welsh or Scottish.

Top 10 reasons for being Welsh:

1. You've got to be joking haven't you?

Top 10 reasons for being Irish:

1. Guinness.

2. You have 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.

3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.

4. Your pubs never close.

5. You can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.

6. No one can ever remember the night before.

7. You kill people you don't agree with.

8. Stew.

9. More Guinness.

10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at three in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

Top 10 reasons for being Australian:

1. You know your great-grandad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted. You get to live in what was Britain's largest 'open prison'.

2. Foster's Lager.

3. You dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.

4. You get to annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.

5. Your tact and sensitivity.

6. Bondi Beach.

7. Other beaches.

8. Your liberated attitude to homosexuals.

9. You get to drink cold lager on the beach.

10. You get to have a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

Top 10 reasons for being a Kiwi:

1. You get to shag chicks that resemble Jonah Lomu in a frock.

2. Beer.

3. Rugby.

4.See above.

5. See above.

6. See above.

7. See above.

8. See above.

9. See above.

10. You get to hate everyone else... unless it's their round.

#joke #beer
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

An old man goes into the Socia...

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (5)

“I refuse to work wit...

“I refuse to work with compost, it's degrading.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (9)

Little Johnny's class were on ...

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 01 March 2012
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (8)

One Last Confession

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.
"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."
The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 01 June 2010
  • Currently 6.79/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (48)

Charge By The Inch

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 June 2012
  • Currently 6.26/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (39)

When taking the SAT, write "Ch...

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 01 June 2011
  • Currently 2.87/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (38)

Kids in Church

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough of his antics.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 June 2009
  • Currently 5.81/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (37)

Missing Puzzle Piece

My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle.
If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Grab a tea

Grab a tea: what Isaac Newton did when he was thirsty.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.57/10

Rating: 1.6/10 (7)

A Scottish lad and lass were s...

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while, then the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts."
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."
So she did so.
But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinkin' now?"
To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.59/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (17)

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