Jokes of the day for Monday, 30 June 2014

A proud and confident genius m...

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

“The home for rich sq...

“The home for rich squirrels is The Nutcracker Suite.”

Wild Things

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Burglary Witness

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"

Black White Black

Q: What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?

A: A nun falling down stairs.

I Get So Drunk That I Imagine Things

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

New National Anthem

Did you hear Clinton wants to change our national anthem?

The new anthem would be "Yank My Doodle It's A Dandy!"

If you can see Chuck Norris, h...

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

The very high health care costs

Health care costs are rising uncontrollably across the world. In America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them.

In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists for services just to reduce costs even more. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions.

A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.

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A few guppies short of an aquarium.
A few inches short of a foot/yard.
A few kernels short of an ear.
A few kopeks short of a ruble.
A few links shy of a chain.
A few measures short of a staff.
A few open splices.
A few peas short of a pod/casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A few pies short of a holiday.
A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar.
A few points short of a polygon.
A few revisions behind.
A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic.
A few screws loose.

Bill Burr: Rednecks to Afghanistan

Rednecks are like Americas pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo -- itll scare the hell out of them.

The only cow in a small Kentuc...

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The peopledid some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the stateline in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. Itproduced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce morecows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move awayfrom the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were veryupset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mountour cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. Anattempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance,buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where theybought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did youknow we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

A husband and wife are sitting...

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence-
HUSBAND: "sh*t."

Ski Buddies

Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full day on the slopes, they return to their room, exhausted and cold.
To keep warm, they all sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the guy on one side of the bed says he had a funny dream that some one was jerking him off. The guy on the other side of the bed said that he had the same dream!
The the guy in the middle said, "I had a dream last night, too. But I only dreamt that I was skiing."  

Shoe-recycling shop

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop.

It was sole-destroying

Author: Alex Horne, Joke was second on August 2013 on Fringe’s best one-liner prize