Jokes of the day for Monday, 07 July 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 07 July 2014 |
Q: What do you give a guy with...
Q: What do you give a guy with a machete for his birthday?A: I don't know. Just hope he likes it.
Technology
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.
The others raise their eyebrows.
"I'm getting a Fax," he explains
Passport...
An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.
Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please. "The old gal raised her right hand.
"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.
The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"
Meals on Wheels
A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, "Welcome. Is there anything you didn't have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?".The cat thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?". St. Peter arranged for it.
Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, "Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven?" St. Peter of course granted their wish.
About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, "I like it alot, but I really enjoy those 'Meals on Wheels'".
Geometry Humor
Q: What was the geometry student looking for at the beach?
A: A tangent.
10 Ways To Get Fired
10 Ways to Get Fired1. Whenever answering the phone, and its for your boss, say "He's under his desk screwing his secretary. Can I take a message?"
2. Strip off all your clothes. Complain about how hot it is in the office, regardless of the temperature.
3. When your boss is on the phone scream "Dammit! I'm expecting a call!! Stay off the phone!!"
4. If your boss bumps into you, start screaming sexual harassment. Talk in great lengths about the state laws on harassment. Get the authorites involved. Threaten to sue.
5. Sleep with your boss's daughter. Videotape it. Pass out copies around the office. Brag about how easy she was.
6. Steal various office equipment (pencils, staplers, desks). Frame your boss for it.
7. When asked to do something start laughing hysterically. Continue this for five minutes. Calm down and say, "Oh, you were being serious?"
8. Loosen the bolts on the boss's chair.
Laugh loudly when he/she falls down. Play innocent.
9. Whenever the boss starts to tell you a story, interrupt him/her with a story of your own. Make sure the story is boring and has no point whatsoever.
10. Send a dozen roses to your boss's house when their spouse is home. Sign an ex-flames name on the card. Next day, ask him/her how their evening was. Be obvious.
Mitch Hedberg: Fore!
I never got a hole in one -- but I did hit a guy, and thats way more satisfying. Youre supposed to yell Fore, but I was too busy mumbling There aint no way thats gonna hit him. What she Really Means...
What she Really Means
I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!
Lawyer Vacancy
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
Six months to live
"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically announced that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time," he said.
"OK," the doctor said. "let's make it nine months."
Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman
One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. Thats how you know it didnt go as you planned. 
