Jokes of the day for Thursday, 10 July 2014

There is a senior citizen driv...

There is a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

“The tarantula found ...

“The tarantula found his partner online. He spider on the web.”

Funny bumper stickers....

'Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.'

'Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death'

'Cover me. I'm changing lanes.'

'As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools'

'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.'

'Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.'

'Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.'

'REHAB is for quitters'

'I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!'

'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep'

'I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....'

'Montana --- At least our cows are sane!'

'I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.'

'I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!'

'According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.'

'Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.'

'A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.'

'How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?'

'I'm not as think as you drunk I am'

'Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !'

'He who laughs last thinks slowest'

'Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.'

'Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.'

'Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.'

'Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone,somewhere may be happy.'

'Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.'

'i souport publik edekasion'

'We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.'

'Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.'

'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...'

'3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.'

'Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?'

'Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?'

'2 + 2 =5 for extremely large values of 2.'

Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.'

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

I.R.S. Phone Calls

The following are actual phone calls made to I.R.S. offices across the United States.

---

Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of...
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.

---

Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.

---

Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?

---

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.

Be Careful When Robbing Lawyers

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The

old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their

money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!

We had $100 when we broke in!"

It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his ...

It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Hot Horseradish

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."

AOL Car

The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.

The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

Jeff Dunham: Difficulty in Being Politically Correct

Jeff Dunham: Youre afraid of offending people?
Achmed: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: Youre a terrorist. You kill people.
Achmed: Thats different. Killing people is easy; being politically correct is a pain in the ass.

Signs Seen Near Church

The following are actual signs found on church property.
"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

All your base are belong to Ch...

All your base are belong to Chuck Norris.

Anniversary Flowers

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To maintain adequate social distancing

Monday Motivation

Believe that you can and you're halfway there.