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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Chuck Norris got shot. We are ...

Chuck Norris got shot. We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition.
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (79)

“You can't sing with ...

“You can't sing with a mouthful of garbanzo beans, so hummus a tune.”

#joke #short #food #beans
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (6)

Soap And Water

After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a home-cooked dinner.
When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.
"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime.
Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"

#joke #food #dinner #eating
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 4.43/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - Comfortable sunbad

Comfortable sunbad - Just keep balloons away | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (6)

Humor about Dumb Irishmen

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.

"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.

"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.

"And why not?"

"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?"

"About two and a half feet."

"Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"

#joke #animal #penguin
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (6)

The little man...

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots--one for me and one for my best buddy here."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour this?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."

With that, he pulls out a little three-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

Rodney flicks a penny down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go get that penny!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the penny, and hauls it back down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure, he talks! Hey, Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"

#joke #doctor #walksintoabar #drinks
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (7)

Doctor I Swallowed A Pillow


Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (8)

Where No Man has gon

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.

They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"

The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 August 2011
  • Currently 2.20/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (76)

There used to be a street name...

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 August 2011
  • Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (58)

A major network is planning th...

A major network is planning the show "Survivor" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 13 August 2010
  • Currently 7.10/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (48)

Man Talks to God

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 13 August 2009
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (42)

Meet Me For Lunch

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, 'Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?'
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, 'I guess you'd be eating alone.'

#joke #food #lunch #eating
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (16)

Husband Detector

What do you call a women who knows where her husband is each night?

A widow.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

107 Funny Christmas Jokes and Puns 2023

Christmas jokes and puns from 2023, although some older jokes might slip through

If these 107 Christmas jokes is not enough for you, please find lot more of Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

  1. What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed? Cookie sheets!
  2. What's Santa Claus's favourite track & field event? North Pole-vaulting!
  3. That sly smile on your face has me thinking you’re up to snow good.
  4. I didn't think this party would be such a drag; I'm snow bored.
  5. What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
  6. What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas? This is the season to be jelly.
  7. What's Santa Claus's favourite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!
  8. All I want for Christmas is ewe.
  9. I'm pine-ing for you.
  10. Have snow fear—Christmas is here!
  11. Your presents are requested.
  12. Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
  13. What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
  14. I bought my son a refrigerator for Xmas – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
  15. The moment you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
  16. This fire is so cozy, the snuggle is real.
  17. I'll be ho-ho-home for Xmas.
  18. A round of Santa-plause, please.
  19. Happy howlidays! Hope Santa Paws brings you lots of treats.
  20. Sending you pugs and kisses this Christmas.
  21. Who delivers Christmas presents to pets? Santa Paws.
  22. Yappy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
  23. Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
  24. These decorations are tree-mendous.
  25. I only have ice for you.
  26. It is ice to meet you.
  27. Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
  28. How do dogs sing jingle bells? Dachshund through the snow…
  29. Merry Xmas. Hope it’s not too ruff!
  30. How do Chihuahuas say merry Christmas? iFleas Navidog.
  31. What did the dog say to the Xmas tree? Bark.
  32. Santa’s little yelper wants to wish you a Merry Christmas.
  33. Why was the dog upset about the Xmas tree? He was not even allowed to bring sticks into the house.
  34. Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.
  35. Paws a moment this Christmas to reflect on what the season is all about!
  36. What do you call a wet dog with a bell on his collar? Jingle smells!
  37. It is never chew late to wish you a Happy Holidays.
  38. If you’re lucky this Xmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.
  39. That look soots you.
  40. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
  41. Children who don’t learn to tie their shoes properly are bound to wind up on the knotty list.
  42. It is the most wonderful time for a beer.
  43. The festive season has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
  44. How do dogs decorate for Xmas? They deck the paws with bows of collie.
  45. What do you do when it’s raining cats and dogs? Nothing; as long as it does not reindeer.
  46. You sleigh me.
  47. I’ll never fir-get.
  48. In 2020, the best gift will be hand Santa-tizer.
  49. You’re the best person I snow.
  50. It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
  51. I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
  52. Rebel without a Claus.
  53. You’re my soul Santa.
  54. What do snowmen eat for lunch? Ice burgers!
  55. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
  56. What do you call an old snowman? Water.
  57. Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.
  58. What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle!
  59. Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
  60. Why didn't the skeleton go to the Yule party? He had no-body to go with.
  61. What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Xmas Quacker!
  62. What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
  63. When I think about you, I touch my elf.
  64. He is a fungi to be with.
  65. Eat, drink, and be tacky.
  66. I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s a real stocking filler!
  67. You’ve got balls coming in here dressed like that.
  68. What is the worst Christmas present? A broken drum, you can't beat it.
  69. Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Clause.
  70. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa clause? Claustrophobic.
  71. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he has visited? He keeps a log book.
  72. Why is Santa banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
  73. What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo? An eskimoo.
  74. Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
  75. What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
  76. Single bells, single bells, single all the way.
  77. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
  78. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They keep dropping their needles.
  79. Who hides in the bakery at Xmas? A mince spy.
  80. How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
  81. What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.
  82. Eat, drink, and be meowy.
  83. Have a meowy Christmas.
  84. Merry catmas! Hope you have a Purr-fect Holiday season!
  85. May your days be meowy and bright.
  86. All I want for Xmas is mew.
  87. Here comes Santa Claws, here comes Santa Claws…
  88. Catty Canes.
  89. The tree and I are getting lit this Christmas.
  90. Are you oakay? Yes, I'm pine!
  91. I love hanging with you this season.
  92. Never fir-get how beautiful Christmas trees are.
  93. Have a tree-mendous Christmas.
  94. Hey DJ, drop the needles. Can I get a watt watt?
  95. I think my tree and I have a really good chemis-tree.
  96. Don’t forget that everyone is rooting for you.
  97. This year my tree is #ballin.
  98. Ornamentary, my dear Watt-son.
  99. Hey tree, do not leaf me hanging.
  100. Looking at you is like reading poetree.
  101. Birch, please.
  102. I love the festive season more than you think.
  103. Yes, I do consider myself a Christmas tree hugger.
  104. I’m having fun fir sure.
  105. I love you a whole watt.
  106. What a de-light you are to be around.
  107. Advice from a tree: stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots, and drink plenty of water.
#joke #christmas #newyear #animal #cat #dog #cow #pet #reindeer #chihuahua #food #breakfast #lunch #potato #burger #butter #drinks #wine #beer
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Problem Teacher

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A serious drinking problem."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.26/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (19)

You are not getting divorced!

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is long enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, and don't file papers. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 9.33/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (21)

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