Jokes of the day for Sunday, 17 August 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 17 August 2014 |
Miracle worker...
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared, and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried, defensively, "DON'T TOUCH ME! I'm on long-term disability!"
Q: What do you call a nun in a...
Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A: Virgin MobileHusband Calling
Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.
"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked.
"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly.
"Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"
"Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you."
Knock Knock Collection 123
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marcus!
Marcus who?
Marcus a book in the Bible!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Maria!
Maria who?
Maria me, I love you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marian!
Marian who?
Marian money!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marie!
Marie who?
Marie the one you love!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marietta!
Marietta who?
Marietta whole cake!
Borrowing A Mule
There was a guy in the middle of the desert and his car broke down.He started walking and he came to a monastery, where he asked them if he could borrow a mule.
The monks lent him one, and they explained that you had to say "Thank the Lord!" to make it go and "Amen!" to make it stop.
So the man said, "Thank the Lord, thank the Lord and thank the Lord!" and the mule took off! He was coming to the edge of a cliff and he forgot how to make it stop.
Finally, at the very edge he remembered, "Amen!" The guy was so relieved he shouted, "Thank the Lord!"
Why did President Truman drop ...
Why did President Truman drop the first atomic bomb? Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.Cabbie
One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
'Where to?' he stammered.
'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.
'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'
'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,
'Does this answer your question?'
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'
Honey, What Did the Doctor Say?
A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints. The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."
Felipe Esparza: Not a Threesome Body
I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody. How much?
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her
"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"
Without skipping a beat she screams
"Yes!"
The man then asks
"What about for $20?"
She looks at him sideways and says
"What do you think I am, a whore?"
The man says
"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."
Christmas Knock, knock joke
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
She did not need much
She did not need much, wanted very little. A kind word, sincerity, fresh air, clean water, a garden, kisses, books to read, sheltering arms, a cosy bed, and to love and be loved in return. Christopher Titus: Terror Alert Level
Osamas dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Cant I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer? A guy walks into a post office...
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?'' asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."