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Jokes of the day for Monday, 25 August 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 25 August 2014

Yo momma is so short, you can ...

Yo momma is so short, you can see her feet on her driver's license.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (9)

“Yogi had a whiskey, ...

“Yogi had a whiskey, water, and tea drink every night. He was a toddy bear.”

#joke #short #animal #bear #drinks #tea #whiskey
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.89/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (9)

600 Story Hotel

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.
The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - Deer headphone

Deer headphone | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (7)

Odd signs...

These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use.

Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.

Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.

#joke #animal #bull #elephant #food #lunch #dinner #eating #drinks #tea
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (7)

Three ducks in court

Three ducks got arrested and appeared before a judge. The judge asked the first duck "whats your name?" Quack replied the duck. "And what did you get arrested for?" Blowing bubbles in the pond.

The second duck comes before the judge and is asked "whats your name?" Quack Quack replies the duck. "And what did you get arrested for?" Blowing bubbles in the pond.

The third duck appears before the judge and the judge says "I know I bet your name is Quack Quack Quack"

"Why no," the duck replies. "My name is bubbles!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

Sad Rooster

Q: Why was the rooster so unhappy?

A: He only got laid once, and it was by his mother.

#joke #short #animal #rooster
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (5)

I Want To Lose Some Weight


A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 January 2010
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (7)

Chuck Norris can dribble a foo...

Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
#joke #short #chuck-norris #sport #football
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 August 2011
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (60)

Pay for the Food

There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.

Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for “enjoyment of food”

Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.

The manager said, “You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.” The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.”

The judge turned to Mike and said, “What do you have to say to that?” The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?” The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, – “I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”

#joke #food #bread #lunch #cheese #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 August 2011
  • Currently 6.60/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (42)

Todd Barry: Hearing Aid

Saw a great product advertised -- it was a hearing aid made to look like a Bluetooth headset. Its for people who are embarrassed about wearing a hearing aid but not about wearing a Bluetooth headset.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 25 August 2012
  • Currently 4.97/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (32)

Truly amazing st...

Truly amazing stuff!

An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever.

Dormitory:   Dirty Room

Evangelist:   Evil's Agent

Desperation:   A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code:   Here Come Dots

Slot Machines:   Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity:   Is No Amity

Mother-in-law:   Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms:   Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness:   Genuine Class

Semolina:   Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries:   Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point:   I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes:   That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two:   Twelve plus one

Contradiction:   Accord not in it

#joke #food #meal
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 August 2008
  • Currently 5.93/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (28)

Three astronauts

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send three astronauts to space for 2 years.

NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.

The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.

First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.

Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.

They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.

Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.

He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a friggin' match?'

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (17)

Patton Oswalt - My Fitness Goal

My Fitness Goal: I would like I stop looking like I am wearing bulletproof vest all the time @PattonOswalt http://on.cc.com/1rtkHzr
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Stand-Up | Comedians | Stand-Up Comedy Videos | Comedy Central - omedy Central Stand-Up - over 10,000 funny stand-up videos, comedian tweets & jokes + the latest in stand-up news, stand-up specials, comedy tours & events
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Overeating at a buffet is a...

Overeating at a buffet is an expansive proposition.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

HAPPY July the 1st, international JOKES day!

HAPPY July the 1st, international JOKES day!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

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