Jokes of the day for Thursday, 11 September 2014

Did you know that dolphins are...

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish?

“Does working for UPS...

“Does working for UPS make you a professional boxer?”

"Cash, check or charge?" the c...

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Effects of anesthesia...

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of ests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful?'" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

Thermometer

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Rider

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"

The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.

Knock Knock Collection 003

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adlai!
Adlai who?
Adlai a bet on that!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adolf!
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aesop!
Aesop who?
Aesop I saw a puddy cat!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agatha!
Agatha who?
Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agnes!
Agnes who?
Agnes & Topeka & the Santa Fe!

Kissing a Nun

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

Dan Naturman: Airplane Movie Safety

Last time I was on JetBlue, there was a dude next to me who looked a little suspicious. I was nervous. He was watching a movie, though; so Im thinking, Would a hijacker watch a movie? Probably not, right?... But you know its a good movie if you land, and hes like, Oh my God, I forgot to hijack the plane.

Who drives you?

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Starting At 8:05

A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us. I tell him, "Well, we're just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o'clock."

He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I'm a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, "You're a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?"

He said, "Well...when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."

So I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?"

"That's when I get here at 8:05."

“A cannonball is a pa...

“A cannonball is a party for artillerymen.”

Man Overboard

An couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise."
The woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Seven New York City bartenders...

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.

Writes and Wrongs

Teacher: "Your spelling is really improving, Henry, I only counted three mistakes."
Henry: "That's great!"
Teacher: "And now, let's check the second sentence."