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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 16 November 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 16 November 2014

I must take every precaution n

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

April Fool's Day Prank - Leave a gross...

Leave a gross (and fake) surprise for unsuspecting bathroom goers.
#joke #short #aprilfoolsday #prank
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

SLIDESHOW #94 - Funny Photo Slideshow

English lessons

A missionary suddenly realizes that the one thing he hasn't yet taught the natives he serves is how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle.

He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says: "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief: "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other.

"How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands.

"My bike," the chief replies.

#joke
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

Funny video of the day - Best Fails of the Week 2 November 2014

Best Fails of the Week 2 November 2014 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Bear Facts

Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?

A. Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Florida Dude - Welcome To The Beach - new jokes every day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Funny Photo of the day - Pizza Bed

Pizza Bed - Wrap yourself in a blanket full of cheese with pepperoni | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Surrounded by idiots ....

IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longerwanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
I said, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask.'

Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

She responded, appalled, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'

Idiot Sighting #3:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'It's open!'

'I know,' answered the young man. 'I already got that side.'

#joke
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Answering Machine Message 46


Theme music from James Bond: Hello. My name is David, code number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on an international mission involving the theft of gold plated Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"GOD LOVES YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Knock Knock
Who's ther

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alex
Alex who?
Alexplain later now let me in.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A Texas family of football sup

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outletmall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shopthe son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, "I'vedecided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school".
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the headand says, "Go talk to mother".
Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds hismother.
"Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy thisjersey".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head andsays, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy thisjersey".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says,"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towardshome.
The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned somethingtoday?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
To which the son replies, "I've only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and Ialready hate you Texas bastards."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Hospital

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

#joke #short #doctor
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Redhead Joke

Q: What do you call a redhead with an attitude?

A: Normal.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Yo momma's so fat, when I swe

Yo momma's so fat, when I swerved to avoid her in the street I ran outta gas.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

“Chefs learn their tr

“Chefs learn their trait in the Cook Islands.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

CAT DIARY, 7 entries

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
---------
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
---------
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
---------
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
---------
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only
---------
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
---------
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 November 2009
  • Currently 6.68/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (66)

There is no Ctrl button on Chu...

There is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 16 November 2011
  • Currently 3.15/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (47)

School Notes

These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

#joke #doctor #christmas #december #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 16 November 2011
  • Currently 5.37/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (43)

Gabriel Iglesias: Looking for a Pregnancy Test

I dont even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. Im looking at all the aisles -- they dont have one that says oops.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 16 November 2011
  • Currently 5.74/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (38)

Death Bed

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-"

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 November 2009
  • Currently 7.75/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (28)

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