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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Salty Water

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"

The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.

"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Florida Dude - Welcome To The Beach - new jokes every day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

“I heard the new auto

“I heard the new auto body shop that opened comes highly wreck-a-mended.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

SLIDESHOW #17 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Two retired professors were va

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes, and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

Funny video of the day - Nutcracker Fails | A Holiday Nutshot Compilation

Nutcracker Fails | A Holiday Nutshot Compilation - Special holiday compilation of fails - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

The will to live

A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!

#joke #lawyer
  • Currently 7.92/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (37)

Funny Photo of the day - Ugly Christmas Sweaters for couples

Ugly Christmas Sweaters for couples - Ugly Christmas Sweater for her and him, so combined they create beautiful Christmas image | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

 Business One-liners 96


Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.
Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset is dumb.
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.
Urgency varies inversely with importance.
Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful.
Virtue is its own punishment.
Wasting time is an important part of living.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Christmas QA jokes part two

Q: What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?
A: Sandy Claws.

Q: Where does the snowman hide his money?
A: In the snow bank.

Q: What type of cars do elves drive?
A: Toy-otas.

Q: Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?
A: It needed to be trimmed.

Q: What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A: Holly Davidson.

Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Christmas Knock, knock joke

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Merry.

Merry who?

Merry Christmas!

#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Source: Mc Joker - Funny jokes creator, hates monday
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Christmas Eve Accident

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

When a bosomy St. Nick appeare

When a bosomy St. Nick appeared to me in a dream, I began questioning my Santa titty.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Little Johnny's kindergarten

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Two elderly gentlemen from a r

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (32)

A Bad Day

How do you know when a blond is having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her cigarette!

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Santa Claus's Plans

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

A: It soots him.

#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

What do the female reindeer do

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town and blow a few bucks.
#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Homework

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

#joke
  • Currently 9.07/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (15)

A blonde and a redhead met in ...

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.'
The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.
So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.
The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 24 December 2009
  • Currently 6.35/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (48)

Christmas Eve Accident

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 24 December 2009
  • Currently 5.91/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (35)

Dwayne Kennedy: Christmas Shopping

I tried to go Christmas shopping last year, but I didnt have no money. I just went window-shopping with a brick.
#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 24 December 2010
  • Currently 4.77/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (35)

History jokes-Christopher Columbus

Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 December 2013
  • Currently 4.94/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (17)

Chuck Norris only has one hand...

Chuck Norris only has one hand. The upper hand.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 December 2011
  • Currently 4.62/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (13)

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