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Jokes of the day for Monday, 12 January 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 12 January 2015

Canada is the most popular thi

Canada is the most popular thing on Facebook. It has millions of lakes!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Italian neighbor

John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says: 

Lubbock Heart Hospital, Dec 16-17, 2005

"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...." 

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Sarah was reading a newspaper,

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Funny Photo of the day - Meanwhile in Russia

Meanwhile in Russia - Whole Russia in single photo | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

“After Thanksgiving d

“After Thanksgiving dinner, I was as stuffed as a turkey!”

#joke #short #thanksgiving #animal #turkey #food #dinner
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

The Trick

A guy wants to become a magician so he goes out and buys a magician book.

Later he gathers his family around the living room for his first trick. Reading his new book he reaches into a bag and pulls out a hammer and to the amazement of his family hits himself in the head with it.

He's unconscious and spends a month in the hospital.

Suddenly a nurse notices his eye lids flicker. She calls the family in and they gather around his bed.

Just then he sits up in bed awake and says..."TA-DAA"

#joke
Joke | Source: Florida Dude - Welcome To The Beach - new jokes every day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Police Dog

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

 Scary Collection 16


A Halloween joke
Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties?
Because there is lots of school spirit!

A demon joke
What do foreign devils speak?
Devil Dutch!

A ghost joke
What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres?
Surgical spirits!

A skeleton joke
What happened when the skeletons rode pogo sticks?
They had a rattling good time!

A skeleton joke
What do you call a skeleton who presses the door bell?
A dead ringer!

A werewolf joke
What happened when the wolf fell in the washing machine?
He became a wash and werewolf!

A witch joke
What does a witch get if she is a poor traveller?
Broom sick!


#joke #halloween #animal #wolf
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Playing Golf with God

Three men were playing golf. The course was a wicked dogleg with a large water hazard.
The first man stepped up to the tee and hit a sharp slice into the water hazard. He walked up to the water; it parted and he lofted his ball within one foot of the hole.
The next man steped up and hit the ball. Sure enough, he sliced it so that it landed on top of the water. He walked across the surface of the water and and hit the ball within six inches of the hole.The third man stepped up, hit the ball, and sliced it. The ball was just about to land in the water when a trout jumped out of the water and grabbed it in his mouth. An eagle swooped down, scooped up the fish, and flew off. As the eagle banked over the green, lightning struck it, it dropped the fish, the fish dropped the ball, and it landed in the hole for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I really hate playing golf with your Dad."
#joke #animal #fish #sport #golf
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Jim, a collections specialist,

Jim, a collections specialist, was on his first day of work for his new employer and was assigned to collect a past due balance from a company that was a customer of his employer. He had been provided with a standard script that he was to use where he was to ask for "Accounts Payable" when calling the customer so that he could talk with someone about the payment of the past due bill.He made the call, asked the receptionist for "Accounts Payable", and waited for what seemed to be forever on hold. Finally, after a very long time, the receptionist, who was also on her first day on the job and new to the world of business, came back on the phone and stated, "I am sorry, but I have looked down our list of employees and I do not find anyone named Accounts Payable."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A man wakes up in the hospital

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with yourwife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes, she has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting granite countertops.'
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Into Thin Air

Question:

What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other?

Answer:

An air mattress.

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Disco's Dead

Q: How did disco die?

A: In the disco inferno.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Q: What is the difference betw

Q: What is the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A: The skid marks in front of the skunk.
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Monday repeating itself

I've heard of history repeating itself, but this Monday thing has got to stop!

Joke | Source: Mc Joker - Funny jokes creator, hates monday
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Why is PMS called PMS?

Why is PMS called PMS?

Is it because Mad Cow Disease was taken?

#joke #short #animal #cow
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

I finally have the body I want

'I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really sh-tty body.'

Louis CK (1967-)

Picture: Rex

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

A guy walks into a bar...........

A guy walks into a bar...........

He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.

he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.

#joke #walksintoabar #drinks #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 January 2010
  • Currently 6.42/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (53)

The leading causes of death in...

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 January 2012
  • Currently 4.03/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (39)

Jo Koy: Three-Year-Old Son

Ive got a three-year-old son. Its like living with a crazy midget.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 January 2012
  • Currently 4.91/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (34)

Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

#joke #animal #elephant #sport #football
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 January 2010
  • Currently 5.62/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (29)

Church Bulletin Bloopers

  • A worm welcome to all who have come today.
  • Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
  • Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
  • If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
  • Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
  • Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

    #joke #friday #animal #worm #food #lunch
  • Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 12 January 2011
    • Currently 4.00/10

    Rating: 4.0/10 (18)

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