Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 13 January 2015

Collection Specialist

Jim, a collections specialist, was on his first day of work for his new employer and was assigned to collect a past due balance from a company that was a customer of his employer. He had been provided with a standard script that he was to use where he was to ask for "Accounts Payable" when calling the customer so that he could talk with someone about the payment of the past due bill.

He made the call, asked the receptionist for "Accounts Payable", and waited for what seemed to be forever on hold.

Finally, after a very long time, the blonde receptionist, who was also on her first day on the job and new to the world of business, came back on the phone and stated, "I am sorry, but I have looked down our list of employees and I do not find anyone named Accounts Payable."

HANNIBAL BURESS - dudes in my neighborhood that have handlebar mustaches

@hannibalburess http://on.cc.com/1BU4c7D

There's a lot of dudes in my neighborhood that have handlebar mustaches.

Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache.

But don't try to have a conversation with me like you don't have a handlebar mustache.

“The second hand cloc

“The second hand clock shop had to wind up business as time ran out!”

Paddy met Sean on the street o

Paddy met Sean on the street one day and said, "Sean have I got a bargain for you! An elephant! A whole living elephant in very good health, for just one hundred pounds."
Sean said, "Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?"
"It's a beautiful elephant," continues Paddy, "all grey, ten feet tall, complete with a trunk."
"You have to be kidding.... I have nothing to feed it," cried Sean.
"I live in a three-room apartment. I have no place to put it."
But Paddy went on: "Two beautiful tusks, each two feet long. It is a magnificent beast...and toilet trained. They don't make them like that anymore."
"Paddy," said Sean, almost screaming, "I have a three-room walk-up apartment on the fifth floor. Where the heck will I keep an elephant?"
"You are a hard man, Sean" said Paddy. "I will tell you what, I will throw in a second whole elephant, its mate, for only £50 extra."
Sean smiled and said, "Ah!! Now you're talking!"

Child Custody

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

 Aussie Love Story

Dazza is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day, when He
sees His Girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Dazza slams on the brakes and yells, "Shazza what in the Blazes d'ya think ya doin'?"
Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says,
"G'Day, Dazza.
You got me pregnant, so now I'm gunna kill meself".

Dazza gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
"Shazza", he says "Fair dinkum love, not only are ya a top root, but
you're a real sport too!"
and drives off

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the crocodile asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"

The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The crocodile has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala.

When they get back to the tree, the crocodile looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."

The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"

Wisdom or Wealth?

An angel appeared at a faculty meeting and told the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord would reward him for his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selected infinite wisdom.
Done!” said the angel and disappeared in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Then all heads turned toward the dean who sat surrounded by a faint halo of light. He seemed stunned and shocked as a cloud of silence encompassed the room.
One of his colleagues leaned over and whispered to him, “Say something.”
The dean, now filled with infinite wisdom said, “I should have taken the money.”

Someone stole my frock, but I

Someone stole my frock, but I shawl overcome.

A Doctor was addressing a larg

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'

A business man got on an eleva...

A business man got on an elevator.when he entered,there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright ,"t-g-i-f"
He smiled at her and replied,"s-h-i-t"
She looked puzzled,and repeated,"t-g-i-f".
More slowly he answered,"s-h-i-t"
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly,so,she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly,"t-g-i-f"
The man smiled back to her and once again"s-h-i-t".
The exasperated blonde decided to explain what "t-g-i-f" means "thank goodness it`s friday",get it duuhhh?
The man answered"s-h-i-t" means "sorry honey it`s thursday."

Boy scouts

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.

The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them."

The lawyer says, "Fuck the Boy Scouts!"

The priest asks, "Do we have time?"

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by yisman

Dog Fishin'

Previous Next

Q: What kind of fish does a dog catch?

A: Catfish.

A new priest does his first ma

A new priest does his first mass. He is very nervous and he stammers his way through. Afterwards, he approaches the Monsignor to ask how he thought it went. "Well," says the monsignor, "Try a little wine before you do your next mass." So the next time the priest delivers a real fire and brimstone sermon, after which he asks the monsignor, "How did I do this time?" The fellow clergyman replies, "You did well, son, but I need to clear up a few of your misconceptions. First off, it was the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, not 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.' Next, David slew Goliath; he didn't 'whip the shit out of him.' And last of all we are planning a taffy pulling contest here at St. Peter, not a 'Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy.'

I'll dance on your grave

The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’
I said: ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea.’'

Les Dawson (1931-1993)

Picture: Stephen Shepherd

Italian neighbor

John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says: 

"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...." 

Chuck Norris' belly button is ...

Chuck Norris' belly button is actually a power outlet.

Rickey Smiley: White Church

I joined a white church because white people get out on time.

You might be a redneck if 57

You might be a reneck if...

You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.

The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.

Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.

You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.

You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.

When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.

Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".

You own more than two clappers.

You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.

You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.

People are ignoring me

A patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!

Mimes

Whats black and white and red all over? Mimes in a chainsaw fight.