Jokes of the day for Sunday, 01 March 2015

A native American went hunting

A native American went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn't like American Indians. The game warden ordered to the Indian to show his hunting license, and the Indian pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"
The indian reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"
The Indian reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the Indian reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Indian, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The Indian turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, expert."

God and Adam...

In the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man: God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

And Adam said, "What's a valley?"

And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

And Adam said, "What's a river?"

And God explained to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."

And Adam said, "What is a hill?"

And God explained that to him. Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

And Adam said, "What's a cave?"

And God explained that to him, then said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

And Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."

And Adam said, "How do I do that?"

So God explained to him.

So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about fifteen minutes, Adam was back.

God patiently replied, as He always does, "Yes... how can I help you?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

 The Cesium Song 12

Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons...
Hold it! Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...
Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.
Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.
There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
'Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss Six S got in a great big mess.
Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,
Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.
There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,
And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.
--- Songs of Cesium #76

April Fool's Day - Suggestions

This one is cuter, I think I would chuckle until I found the carts were all locked together and I didn’t have a quarter….

Praying for Peas

Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal. One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to stay their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my 4-year-old finished, her 3-year-old sister kept on praying.
Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, “Hey! My peas are still here!”

Decades ago, watching late nig

Decades ago, watching late night TV was found to be Carsonogenic.

Farmer Joe was in his car when

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

Married Priests in Catholic Ch

Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming
Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During Murder Trial
Reason for More Bear Sightings: More Bears
Actor Sent to Jail for Not Finishing Sentence
Tiger Woods Play With Own Balls, Nike Says
Fireproof Clothing Factory Burns to Ground
Astronomers See Colorful Gas Clouds Bubble Out of Uranus
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Sex Offender Says Registering Will Hurt His Reputation
Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy
Specialist: Electric Chair Can Be "Extremely Painful"
Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Man Tries Armed Robbery with Knife in Gun Store
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25
Air Board to Study Fast Food Emissions
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing
State Prisons to Replace Easy Open Locks
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
British Study Finds Less Traffic When Roads Close
Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
Gators to Face Seminoles with Peters Out
Young Marines Make Tasty Christmas Treats
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
Hirohito's Body Moved
Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Complaints About NHL Referees Growing Ugly
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Stud Tires Out
Air Head Fired
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Men Recommend More Clubs for Wives

The young priest

One afternoon the old catholic priest was teaching a younger priest how to do confessions. The young priest was not comfortable doing it and had no clue what he was doing. The older priest told the young priest "you are on your own for a minute I have to use the restroom."

The young priest replied "but i do not know what I am doing I will screw it up!" The older priest told the younger priest he has a cheat sheet in the confesion room so he has no worries. The younger priest told him ok just hurry up. After a few moment a young man came in and confessed to cheating on his wife. The young priest looks on the cheat sheet and find adultry and tell the young man to do 100 hail marys and he will be forgiven. After a moment later a young women came in and said that she gave her had sex with her boyfriend. The young priest looks on the cheat sheet and finds premarital sex and tell the young women to say 75 hail marys and she will be forgiven. A minute later a teenage girl came in and confessed that she gave her boyfriend a blow-job. The priest looked on the cheat sheet and could not find any thing that had to do with oral sex. Panicing he told the teenage to hold on and ran out of the room and found the nearest candle boy. The young priest runs up to the young man and askes "What does the head priest usually give for a blow job?"

The young candle boy replies "Oh about five dollars and a candy bar."

Baseball Humor

Q: Why are baseball players so cool?

A: They always have their fans around.

Q: What did the cannibal do af

Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.

“Despite pressure to

“Despite pressure to clean up their act, most dirtbags live in a vacuum.”

My wife is better

Jake and his buddy Fred visit a brothel. Jake goes into the room with the prostitute first while Fred waits outside.

When he's done, Jake closes the door behind him and says: "Don't waste your time. My wife's better."

But Fred goes in anyway. When he emerges 15 minutes later, he shakes his head in disappointment and says:

"Damn, Jake, you were right. Your wife is better."

Heros?

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally

fell from a bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident.

Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and

dragged the wet president out of

the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of

the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it,

I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to

Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the

grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the

third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not

handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved

from drowning."

When the porn star advertised ...

When the porn star advertised a free orgy, she was unprepared for the onslot.

Rest Area

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

You see....

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....

"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

Paul F. Tompkins: Had to Be There

If something is inherently funny, its relatable after the fact. Anyone who says, You had to be there, should just not have told you the thing in the first place because its not funny.