Jokes of the day for Sunday, 29 March 2015

Room With A View

A lady walked into a boutique and asked the sales lady "May I try on that cute dress in the window?"

The sales lady replied; "Sure, but wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a dressing room?"

An Arkansas mountain woman wen

An Arkansas mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."

April Fool's Day - Freeze your kid’s morning cereal

Freeze your kid’s morning cereal. Put a bowl of your kid’s favorite cereal and milk in the freezer overnight, then watch in the morning as your unsuspecting kid clanks a spoon against the frozen milk.

A Really, Really Good Shave

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small southern town decided he had been doing that long enough. He told his wife that from then on he’d let the local barber shave him each day.
The man went to the barbershop which was owned by the pastor of the local Baptist church. The barber’s wife, whose name was Grace, shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water.
“That will be twenty dollars,” she said.
The man thought the price was a bit high and wondered how he’d continue to foot such a bill, but he paid for the service and went off to work.
The next morning, the man looked in the mirror and saw that his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.
The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. He couldn’t understand it, so he returned to the barber shop.
“I thought twenty dollars was high for a shave,” he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”
The woman’s face showed no surprise. “Well, of course,” she said. “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Yodelling is a cry for rong

Yodelling is a cry for alp.

A boy had reached four without...

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

Old is when...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Honey, I can't do both!'

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'Getting a little action' means, 'I don't need to take any fiber today.'

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

You start saying things like, 'Gee, this sebaceous cyst is killing me!'

Someone mistakes you for a sun-dried tomato while you're shopping at the grocery store.

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to pee!

 Farm Jokes 04

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out forest fires!

Why did the pig go to the casino?

To play the slop machine!

What is a pigs favorite ballet?

Swine Lake!

What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog?

Pooched eggs!

How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday?

Eat him on Saturday!

Why did the foal cough?

Because he was a little horse!

What is the opposite of cock-a doodle-doo?

Cock-a-doodle-don't!

What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?

Leave it inside the cow!

Where do milkshakes come from?

Excited cows!

Monica's Book Title

By now, you know that Monica Lewinsky is set to make some

big bucks writing a tell-all book. Here are some possible

titles:

I Suck At My Job What Really Goes Down In The White House

How I Blew It In Washington You Have to Work Hard to Find the

Softer Side of the President Clear and Present Boner Testing

the Limits of the Gag Rule Going Back for Gore Podium Girl

Secret Services to the President Harass is Not Two Words: The

Story of Bill Clinton Deep Inside The Oval Office The

Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions She's

Chief of MY Staff! Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30

Minutes How To Beat Off the Government Going Down and Moving

Up Members of the Presidential Cabinet Me and My Big Mouth

How To Get Ahead in Business

A boy asks his father, "Dad, a

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

Panicking when her toddler swa

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

Quick fire drinks

Guy walks into a bar and says, "Quick, give me three shots of your finest whiskey!"

The bartender pours the shots and the man downs them as quickly as he can.

Bartender says, "What was that about?" Guy says,

"You'd do the same if you had what I have."

Bartender: "What's that?"

Guy: "70 cents."

“The Hobbit was found

“The Hobbit was found at short notice.”

Bird It Through the Grapevine

Did you hear about the man who did it with a parakeet?

He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

Yo mama is so short

Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!

Yo mama so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!

Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb.

Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.

Yo mama so short she models for trophys.

Andy Kindler: Celebrating Suffering

Jewish people, we dont believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. Were suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much weve suffered. Passover -- were celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. Were celebrating, Hey, thank God we didnt get slaughtered.

Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Repaying a Debt

The Hodja (teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her.
She shook her head and told him she didn't have any money with her.
"No problem," the Hodja grinned. "You can pay me later."
She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste.
"Oh no, I can't, I'm fasting," she responded.
"Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!"
"Yes, well, I missed a day and I'm making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives."
"Forget it!" shouted the Hodja. "If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed ALLAH, who knows when you'll get around to paying me!"