Jokes of the day for Saturday, 09 May 2015

A man walks into a pharmacy an...

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so-o-o much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

One of Life's Lessons

While preaching about forgiving ones enemies, the preacher asked for a show of hands of those who were willing to forgive their enemies. About half of the congregation raised their hands. The minister continued his lection and again asked for a show of hands. This time, 80 percent of his congregation raised their hands. Not giving up, the minister continued for fifteen more minutes. When he again asked for a show of hands, all members—except one—raised their hands.
"Mr. Jones,” asked the minster, “are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
"I don't have any.”
Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. I know you are 86-years-old. Would you please come down to the front and explain to all of us how you have lived so long without making a single enemy in the world?”
Mr. Jones teetered to the front and briefly explained, “Its easy. Ive outlived every one of them.”

Little known fact: Hannibal Le

Little known fact: Hannibal Lecter started out in the Pizza Corpse.

Teacher: Now, you must not say

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”
Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

Little Tony was staying with h

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd beenplaying outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into thehouse and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleepingin the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It'scalled sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to the otherkids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isnot called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wantsto talk to you right now."

Mommy, you are getting fat!

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied ... "but what is growing in your butt?"

Bear Jokes 02

Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?

A: Put him on stilts!

Q: What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A: A polo bear!

Q: Why do polo bears like bald men?

A: Because they have a great, white, bear place!

Q: What do polo bears have for lunch?

A: Ice burger!

Q: What's a teddy bears favorite pasta?
A: Tagliateddy!

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

A: They both have 'the' as their middle names!

Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?

A: It lives on ice!

Q: Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?

A: Because they'd rather go to the cinema!

Q: What is a bear's favorite drink?

A: Koka-Koala!

Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled?

A: Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!

Idle Conversation

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.

He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress..."

"STOP pal, I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, "People say about the Pope..."

"NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom," I thought the Yankees would..."

"NO sports talk...That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said.

"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"

"Sure, that we can talk about." replies the barkeep.

"GREAT... GO SCREW YOURSELF!"

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

A man wakes up in the hospital

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.” The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.” The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?” “I have,” says the man. “And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor. “She has,” says the man. “And what is it?” asks the doctor. “We're getting a new kitchen.”

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door..
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.."    

This morning, my IT...

This morning, my IT guy checked on an install and I raised my empty coffee cup and said, 'Java Installed.'

Government vs Mafia

Q: What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?

A: One of them is organized.

Fig Leaf Found

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

A guy gets on a plane and find...

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde.
"That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

Lost it!

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.

The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Phone sex

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Two men were out golfing. As o...

Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."