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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 12 July 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 12 July 2015

Blocked and unfriended

Being blocked and unfriended by some people is like the trash taking itself out.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games. Sajt vise ne radi
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Six Feet

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"    

#joke #food #honey
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 2.30/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (10)

A man and a woman were asleep...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, groggy and bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, "Holy crap! That must be my husband!"
So the man jumped out of the bed scared and naked and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Funny Photo of the day - Lunch break

Lunch break | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (12)

Top ten ways that you know you...

Top ten ways that you know you are suffering from "job burnout"
10. You're so tired; you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.
7. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind; you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know the pager will go off before the alarm does.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now
#joke #monday
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

The couple had been debating t

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so shecould zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settledon any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was wayout of their price range.
"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 secondsor less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending.
#joke #sport
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Strange...

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

 Giving Sad News To A Troop


The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Alcoholic Side-Effec

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

  1. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  2. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
  3. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  4. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
  6. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
  7. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
  8. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
  9. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
  10. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  11. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
  12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".
  13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

#joke #drinks #beer #alcohol
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Did you hear about the guy who

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

“Some aquatic mammals

“Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Dogs Take Their Licks

Q: Why do dogs lick themselves?

A: Because they can.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 14 April 2015
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Passover Miracles for Moses?

Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: "You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news."
Moses was staggered. The voice continued: "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."
Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's...that's fantastic. I can't believe it! But what's the bad news?"
"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."
#joke #animal #frog
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 07 November 2014
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (10)

How to Produce Ugly Children

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your Mom.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 July 2011
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (48)

Unlucky Parachutist

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.

“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.

Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I'm a goner!”

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for.”

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”

The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 July 2012
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (39)

Lewis Black: Absolute Faith

You cant deny the faith of these people that we fight: its absolute. They believe that if they kill themselves, theyll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith -- to think that that would happen, when I havent met one on earth.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 July 2011
  • Currently 3.81/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (37)

Neal Brennan: Shut It Down

If you work in porn, I dont know if you and your coworkers know this, but we have enough porn. You dont have to keep making it. You did a great job, we appreciate your service, but you can shut it down.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 July 2012
  • Currently 3.54/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (37)

Blonde Email

How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?

Envelopes in the disk drive.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 July 2012
  • Currently 3.55/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (29)

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