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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 01 August 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 01 August 2015

A newlywed couple was spending

A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday, and they had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were alright. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were okay.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love," came the reply.
The old man responded, "I thought so. Would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Corn maze for ...

Corn maze for blondes!
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.49/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (45)

SLIDESHOW #33 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Church Bulletin Bloopers

  • A worm welcome to all who have come today.
  • Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
  • Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
  • If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
  • Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
  • Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
    #joke #friday
  • Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

    Funny video of the day - Best Fails of the Month July 2015

    Best Fails of the Month July 2015 - link to page video is posted initially.
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

    Getting the queen of daytime T

    Getting the queen of daytime TV to lose weight is a complicated Oprah ration.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
    • Currently 1.57/10

    Rating: 1.6/10 (7)

    Funny Photo of the day - BUTTMAN

    BUTTMAN | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
    • Currently 8.33/10

    Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

    A man walks into a piano store...

    A man walks into a piano store and says, "I would like to buy a hairy piano." Perplexed, the sales clerk asked, "Why do you want a hairy piano?!" Nonchalantly, the customer responded, "Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins."
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
    • Currently 5.33/10

    Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

    One Sunday, in counting the mo...

    One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
    The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinct ivepink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
    "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
    "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
    The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot,are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
    The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
    The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful;what does he do for a living?"
    "He is a veterinarian," she answered.
    "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
    The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno"
    Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
    • Currently 8.73/10

    Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

    Double negative

    A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

    "However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

    A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

    • Currently 5.90/10

    Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

     Recently Seen

    Recently seen on a card...
    Outside: We dont feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us...
    Inside: ... We had to stay up all night lighting them!

    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
    • Currently 3.00/10

    Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

    Diet coke

    Did you hear about the blonde who was sniffing nutrasweet?

    She thought it was diet coke.

    Submitted by Curtis

    Edited by Yisman

    #joke #short #blonde
    • Currently 2.33/10

    Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

    If you want to know who is rea...

    If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
    • Currently 8.44/10

    Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

    I don't run from my problems

    I don't run from my problems. I sit on my couch, play on my phone and ignore them like all the other adults.
    #joke #short
    • Currently 7.44/10

    Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

    “The purpose of the I

    “The purpose of the IT Service Department is to be a customer-server.”

    #joke #short
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

    The Bear

    Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.
    Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
    His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
    His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"        

    • Currently 4.25/10

    Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

    A New Set of Golf Clubs

    Bob: "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife."

    Jim: "Great trade!"

    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 February 2015
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)


    George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

    George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

    George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

    So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

    George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

    George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

    Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

    Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

    So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

    Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

    George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

    His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

    George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

    George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."

    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 01 August 2012
    • Currently 5.19/10

    Rating: 5.2/10 (58)

    Russ Meneve: Unprovoked Shark Attacks

    There were 79 unprovoked shark attacks last year. Unprovoked -- do we need that word in there? Are there people provoking shark attacks? Is there some dick from Jersey in the water: Hey shark, you freakin lookin at me? You got a problem or somethin? I got somethin for you to bite right here!
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 August 2011
    • Currently 6.13/10

    Rating: 6.1/10 (39)

    Your lips are so chapped, I ca...

    Your lips are so chapped, I can hear you smile.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 August 2014
    • Currently 7.14/10

    Rating: 7.1/10 (37)

    Real Advertisements 03

    Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
    Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
    Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
    Stock up and save. Limit: one.
    We build bodies that last a lifetime.
    For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
    Man, honest. Will take anything.
    Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
    Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
    UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 August 2011
    • Currently 5.06/10

    Rating: 5.1/10 (32)

    I Won!

    A blonde walked in a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When

    she gets her drink, she notices that it has a "contest game

    piece" on the side of the cup. She peels off the sticker and

    instantly starts screaming, "I won a motor home!" She

    continues shoulting, "I won a motor home!" until the waitress

    decides to get her boss.

    "What's the problem here?" the manager asks.

    "I won a motor home!" she shouts again.

    "That's impossible!" he replies. "We didn't give out motor


    She says "Well, it says so on this sticker."

    The boss takes the sticker and reads it. It says:

    "Win a bagel."

    #joke #blonde
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 August 2010
    • Currently 4.48/10

    Rating: 4.5/10 (25)

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