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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 10 September 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 10 September 2015

“I was late starting

“I was late starting to put the insulation at the front and now I'm lagging behind.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

The Priest vs. the Astronomer

A priest and an astronomer find themselves sitting together on a night flight.
After introductions and a long gaze out the window, the astronomer asks the priest, "Can't all religions be summed up by stating the Golden Rule?"
The priest pauses a bit and asks the astronomer, "Can't all astronomy be summed up by singing ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’?”
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Pthalo
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

A goose without feathers is A goose without feathers is down on its pluck.
#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Patti: You were right, Doctor,

Patti: You were right, Doctor, when you said you'd have me on my feet and walking around in no time.
Doctor: I'm happy to hear it. When did you start walking?
Patti: Right after I sold my car to pay your bill.
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Watson came excitedly to Sherl

Watson came excitedly to Sherlock Holmes place and told him his dog had swallowed his ring. Sherlock told Watson "Don't worry. He will pass it eventually". Watson replies "Thank you very much, Sherlock". Sherlock says to Watson."It's alimentary, my dear Watson"
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A guy took his blonde girlfrie

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.They had great seats right behind their team's bench.After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants andall the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they werekilling each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of thegame, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get thequarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
#joke #blonde #sport #football
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (16)

The Question

Question: Schwartznegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time,what is it?






Answer: A last name
#joke #short #animal #fox
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Getting Into Fights

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
#joke #animal #pig #mule
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Redneck been here?

Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...

The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Q: Why did the one armed man c

Q: Why did the one armed man cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Three Doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "
You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"    

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Sister in law

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

#joke #wedding
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 10 September 2012
  • Currently 7.80/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (66)

Chuck Norris once went skydivi...

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 September 2011
  • Currently 3.31/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (54)

How Can You Tell When a Blonde Has Been By Your Computer?

Q: How can you tell when a blonde been by your computer?

A: There is cheese by the mouse.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 September 2013
  • Currently 3.95/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (44)

Kurt Braunohler: Slept Like a Baby

Slept like a baby last night. I woke up every two hours screaming in the dark and then I sh*t my pants and almost died for, like, no reason whatsoever.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 10 September 2012
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (31)

Top Ten Questions I Would Have Asked Monica Lewinsky

10. "Are you as completely sick of yourself as the rest of

the planet?"

9. "Technically, I'm President of the Late Show -- is that

anything?"

8. "Can Vernon Jordan help me get my old job back at NBC?"

7. "Could you get Clinton to do something about those weird

Old Navy

commercials?"

6. "Did you ever have sex with the president while he was

talking to me?"

5. "Do you know how much easier you've made my job over the

last 14 months?"

4. "What's this about you possibly running for senator from

New York?"

3. "Where do you see yourself in 10 affairs?"

2. "Who will you be sleeping with in 2000 -- Gore or Bush?"

1. "Did you bring a clip?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 September 2011
  • Currently 4.18/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (22)

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