Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 23 September 2015

Ladies, not having dating succ

Ladies, not having dating success? Talk to your guy-no-call-ogist.

Assignment Difficulty

An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment:
How many people were able to complete the assignment without parents help?
About 25% of the class raises their hands. How many people we able to complete the assignment with the help of a parent? About 70% of the class raises their hand. The teacher still notices about 5% of the class did not raise their hands.
She then calls out, "How many people had to help a parent complete your assignment?

Tom is almost 29 years old, hi

Tom is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Tom just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Tom replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Tom and his friend get together. "So Tom. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"
Tom shrugged his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."
"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my father can't stand her!"

“Having been diagnose

“Having been diagnosed with a hernia has bothered me to my core.”

Embarrassing Situations!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

A US Air Force C-141 was sched

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

Top ten signs your Amish teen is in trouble...

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full 'KISS' makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, 'Thou sucketh.'

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by 'Jeb Daddy.'

5. Defiantly says, 'If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap.'

4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.

3. Uses slang expression, 'Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening.'

2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

 We Could Have Been Here Sooner

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

Playboy special

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.

Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

I MAKE APOCALYPSE...

I MAKE APOCALYPSE JOKES

LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW

Two blondes walk beside each o

Two blondes walk beside each other down the street. One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, "This girl looks so familiar, but I can't remember where I know her from." The other girl grabs it from her hand, takes a look at it, and says, "It's me you idiot!"

The chemical formula for the h...

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Bowling ball humor

I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.

Beer Machismo

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."

The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."

The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."

The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."

The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"

He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.