Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 18 November 2015

Talking Baby

A baby was born with the ability to talk.
The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?"
"Why, yes!" his mother said. "I am!"
"Well," the baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born." Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?"
"Yes, I am!" says the doctor.
"Well, I just wanted to thank you," says the baby, "for taking such good care of me during the delivery."
"You're very welcome," says the doctor.
The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?"
Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!"
The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down." The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the forehead. "How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn't it?"

“I'm friends with my

“I'm friends with my fist, although he can be quite a knuckle head.”

After taking his seat on a pla

After taking his seat on a plane, a mild mannered young man was startled to see a parrot strapped in next to him. Choosing to ignore the bird, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee. "And get me a whiskey, now!" the parrot ordered rudely. A few moments later the attendant returned with the whiskey, but no coffee. "Hey, lazy," the parrot cried out after draining his glass, "another whiskey!" Again, the attendant hurried to bring the parrot his drink but forgot the coffee.
Upset at being ignored, the man decided to try the parrots approach. "Hey, you!" he yelled at the attendant. "Coffee now or you'll never work for this airline again!"
A moment later, a burley co-pilot came over, grabbed the man and the parrot and tossed them out of the plane door.
As they plunged downward, the parrot turned to the man and said, "That was really gutsy, mister. Especially for someone who can't fly."

Picture menu....

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and they told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and the answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"

 Telling Some Stories

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.
A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."

Careful how you slice up that

Careful how you slice up that wild game carcass: You don't want to make a big moose steak!

There are two brothers, aged f...

There are two brothers, aged four and six.
The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."
The four year old says "OK."
The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'"
The four year old says "OK."
So they go downstairs and their mother says "What would you boys like for breakfast?"
The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."
WHACK!
The kid goes flying across the room.
The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
The four year old says "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not corn flakes."

So Thor!

One day the norse god Thor was looking down upon the earth and was watching couples amking out in a park. He decided that this looked like fun, so with a clap of thunder, Thor was walking around the park as a human man. He came upon a young beautiful girl sitting alone and asked if he could join her. The girl replied "For THURE" and Thor gathered that the girl had a lisp but figured as good as she looked, what the heck, so he sits down and soon they were making out like the other couples. As her passions grew, she finally said, "wait a minute, wait a minute, lets go back to my plath!" so the left and went into her apartment and let nature take its course. After about 18 hours of nonstop sex, she says "hold up, i gotha go pith!" and she gets up to go use the bathroom. While she's gone Thor lies thinking to himself, "surely by now she realizes that I'm no mere mortal man, I should tell her who I am". So when she re-enters the room, Thor is standing on the end of the bed, pounding his chest and declares "I'm THOR!" the exhausted girl lokks at him and yells "You're Thor, I'm tho thore that i cant even pith!!!

Lady 1: "Why is your husband s

Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"
Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."

Grandpa, Did God Make You?

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused. “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, the little girl observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t He?”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michae...

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.r>r> This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. r>r> Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: r>r> "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Donald Glover: Crazy Men Stories

Why dont women have crazy men stories? I dont really hear them. And then I realized, its because if you got a crazy boyfriend, youre going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize theyre crazy, its like, Time to kill everything I love.

The End Is Near!

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

First Thing to do after Jail

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

Donald Glover: Gold Star Power

When you get called the n-word, as a black person you can do anything. Its like getting a gold star in Super Mario Brothers and junk. I hear the music when I hear the n-word. I get right into it; I get really into it. You can do anything. You could be in a fancy restaurant -- just start throwing poop at the walls. People be like, What are you doing? Someone called him the n-word.