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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 02 January 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 02 January 2016

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"God favors no group--only religions do that."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

A young couple are flying to B

A young couple are flying to Bali to get married. Before getting there, the girl says to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
A little later, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy to be honest with each other. They went on to Bali and got married on the beach. On their wedding night, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's wedding tackle and the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she recovered the guy said, "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?"

The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby."

The guy replied, "Yes, 8 pounds in weight and 21 inches long."
#joke #wedding
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

I thought you were my wife...

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

 Answering Machine Message 255


Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Decal-covered vehicles are sig

Decal-covered vehicles are signs of ad-vans civilization.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Paul was ambling through a cro

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when hedecided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Saidthe mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I canread your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at hisopen palm and said, "I can see that you have nogirlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Canyou tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

The Adventures of Bill Clinton

It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House.

Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings.

[President Bill]

Hello! Hello!

[Voice on the line]

President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States!

[President Bill]

Oh no!!!

He said he wouldn't do that!

That dirty, rotten jerk!

Bill slams the phone down. He goes the receiver back in the red telephone's cradle.

President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk, whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid, and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes. A voice comes over the briefcase speaker.

[Voice on the line]

Mr. President, is this a drill?

[President Bill]

Listen to me.

We're being attacked by the Russians.

Launch a full-scale response immediately.

[Voice on the line]

Are you sure, sir?

[President Bill]

Yes!!!

Fire the missiles!!!

Fire the missiles now!!!

[Voice on the line]

OK Sir, we're launching them this minute.

[President Bill]

Thank you, son!

The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair. Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room.

[Aid]

Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh?

Sounded real, didn't it?

Attacked by the Russians! What a gag!

Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill?

How about a pizza or something?

Say Bill, are you OK? You look kind of pale.

You OK Bill?

Bill???

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Yo mamma is so old she has aut

Yo mamma is so old she has autographed Bible.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

“Labor contracts come

“Labor contracts come just before childbirth.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

A businessman boarded a fli...

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 January 2010
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (70)

Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

TBecause everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 02 January 2015
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (40)

Marriage Problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife said, “Seven weeks.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 January 2012
  • Currently 7.95/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (38)

What sort of television progra...

What sort of television programmes do ducks like?
Duckumentaries
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 January 2010
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (29)

Working On The Road #joke

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
#joke #drinks #cola
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 January 2010
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (15)

Hello, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor...

Patient: "Hello, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, help me, help me, help me! When I do something, I repeat it three times, three times, three times. I'm terribly tired, terribly tired, terribly tired. Although my wife is delighted, delighted, delighted."
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

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