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Jokes of the day for Friday, 29 January 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 29 January 2016

“When the gastroenter

“When the gastroenterologist retired, he threw in the bowel.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

A local priest and a local pas

A local priest and a local pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergyman to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Walking with a lantern...

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 9.04/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (24)

Funny Photo of the day - Should be no things forgotten when packing for vacation

Should be no things forgotten when packing for vacation - Now sit back and enjoy ride | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

 Top 10 Rules For A Man

Top 10 Rules For A Man
1.Don't call, ever.
2.If you like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3.Lie.
4.Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
5.Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?
6.Play with yourself. Talk about it.
7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
9. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
10. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

The Parable of the Seagull

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.
"He died and went to heaven," she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Everybody I know who has a dog

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely."
And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Grandma and Grandpa were visit

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight .When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive.""How much?" asked Grandpa."$10.00 a pill," answered the son."I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. "Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110."I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Pet Store

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”

#joke #animal #bird #parrot #pet
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Iraqui Cruise

An Iraqui was walking on the beach when he was approached by a man. "Say Buddy," said the man, "How"d you like to take a cruise for $100?"

"Sure!" exclaimed the Iraqui. When he gave the man his money, the guy pulled out a black jack and hit him over the head. He pulled him down to the shore, put him in an inner tube and then shoved him off.

The next day, another Iraqui was walking on the beach, and was approached by the same man, in the same manner. Sure enough, when the second Albanian gave him his money, out came the black jack, and the second Albanian was on his way out to sea.

Several days had passed, and the two Iraquis eventually ran into one another. "Hey Buddy," the second asked the first, "do they serve drinks on this cruise?"

"They probably won't." said the first, "They didn't last year."

#joke #drinks
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 May 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

And The Fairy Said….

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. “Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: “Fairies are female.”

#joke #wedding
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 January 2012
  • Currently 6.73/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (41)

Hillbilly at the hospital...

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 January 2009
  • Currently 7.57/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (35)

Making God Laugh

You know how to you make God laugh?
- Tell him your plans.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 January 2012
  • Currently 7.24/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (34)

American-Yiddish Dictionary

JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby's diaper.
DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.
JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

#joke #animal #bat #food #cheese #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 January 2009
  • Currently 5.70/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (27)

A golf challenge

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

#joke #sport #golf #golfer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 November 2013
  • Currently 7.10/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (20)

An older, white haired man wal...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Fridayevening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for hisgirlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring andshowed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something veryspecial."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and broughtanother ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The younglady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, bycheck. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write itnow and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pickthe ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's nomoney in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.
#joke #monday
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 9.02/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (51)

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