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Jokes of the day for Monday, 01 February 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 01 February 2016

“Tire stores are high

“Tire stores are highway rubbery.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

A man named Jose went to Ameri

A man named Jose went to America to see the Yankees vs. the Red Socks.
When he got the ticket, it said nosebleed section. He did not care what section he was in. Anyway, it was game day!
Everyone stood for the National Anthem...
When Jose got home, he said, "Mama, they made a song in America just for me."
"How does it go, mijo?"
"It goes 'Jose can you see!'"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Ice Fishing In Alaska

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says,

"YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE."

The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.

The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH

The drunk looks up and says, "Is this God trying to warn me?"

The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."

#joke #animal #fish #sport #fishing
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (10)

Funny Photo of the day - Walking on sidewalk on rainy day

Walking on sidewalk on rainy day - Can cause delays | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Three bulls heard via the grap...

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."
The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.
The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
#joke #animal #cow #bull
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.62/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (21)

Ethical Problem

An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:

Should he tell his partner?

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Yo momma so ugly she is the re

Yo momma so ugly she is the reason they turn off the lights at the movie theater.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Who pushed the forward button on my weekend

Alright… Who pushed the forward button on my weekend?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games. Sajt vise ne radi
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

 Yo Mama So Fat...

Yo mama so fat that she has more ripples then Lake Erie on a windy day!
#joke #short #yomama
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 May 2015
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Two Kinds of People

There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 15 January 2015
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (10)

T.J. Miller: Holding a Baby

This woman wouldnt let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, dont bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if Im drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 01 February 2012
  • Currently 3.06/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (54)

Who Should Make the Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

#joke #drinks #coffee
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 February 2010
  • Currently 6.09/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (43)

One Line Zingers


  • If Cain and Able were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?

  • Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

  • The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

  • "I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.”

  • Warning notice at a seminary swimming pool: “First-year students are only allowed to walk on the shallow end.”

  • "If absence makes the heart grow fonder,” said a minister, “a lot of folks must love our church.”

  • This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

#joke #sport #swimming
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 February 2009
  • Currently 5.10/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (42)

Eliot Chang: Politically Correct Friend

He actually said this to me; hes like, Hey man, you got to be careful. Theres a lot of women that have an Asian fetish. Well, what do you mean? Theyll have sex with you just cause youre Asian. Arent you offended? Uh, Ill be offended after my orgasm.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 01 February 2011
  • Currently 3.21/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (39)

A Collection Of Insults


You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.
I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.
In the next life, you'll blaze a way for us.
You are master in your own house -- the doghouse!
When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral, but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.
You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
Some day you will find yourself -- and wish that you hadn't.
People clap when they see you -- their hands over their eyes or ears.
Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.

#joke #animal #monkey #gorilla #food #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 01 February 2011
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (15)

Fast Car?

This man had just bought a brand new Ferrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a moped stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the man if he could take a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said

"oh, around 175-200. Want to see?"

Of course the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. When the light changed, the man took off at a very high rate of speed. As he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him.

"no! it couldnt be the boy on the moped could it?" He asked to himself.

Then the light came flying back and went way behind him. The guy then realized that it indeed WAS the boy on the moped!

Then the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to let the boy catch up so that he could find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and said..

"Would you mind taking my suspenders off your rear view mirror?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 November 2015
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

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