Jokes of the day for Thursday, 03 March 2016

Distance means

Distance means nothing when, someone means everything.

“The shop that sold c

“The shop that sold ceramic heads was a bust.”

A salesman, tired of his job...

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

The Veterinarian

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking."

She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

 Scary Collection 64

A witch joke
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake?
A witch with a drum kit!

A witch joke
What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?
A witch in soggy shoes!

A witch joke
What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?
Lucky!

A witch joke
What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?
Broom mates!

A witch joke
What does a witch turn when the lights go out?
The dark!

A witch joke
What do witches use pencil sharpeners for?
To keep their hats pointed!

A witch joke
What is evil and ugly, puts spells on people and is made of leaves?
A witch (The leaves were just a plant)!

Netflix Binge Anthem

Undercover Clergy

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

I never got into those Fif

I never got into those Fifty Shades books. I have an eroto-immune disorder.

A lion woke up one morning fee

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiestof all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is themightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiestanimal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who ismightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk,slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feelinglike it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corntortilla and rambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollersafter the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don'thave to get so upset about it!"

Blonde visits shrink

A very well-built young blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

"Give it to me! Give it to me!

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"  

Moses on His Walkie Talkie

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Once there was a man with an e...

Once there was a man with an extremely large penis, but, unfortunately, he also had a terrible stuttering problem, so he could never get a girlfriend. So he went to the doctor one day and said to him that he wanted something done about his stutter. The doctor replied that he would have to take off his penis to relieve him of the stutter. After a while the man agreed and had his penis removed.

After the operation he was a smooth talker, but now he couldn't get laid because he had no penis. So he returned to the doctor and tells him he would like to have his penis back, because he has a better chance of getting laid with a stutter than with no penis.

The doctor replies, "S-s-sorry s-s-sir, b-b-but I c-c-can't d-d-do th-th-that."

For two solid hours, the lady ...

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"

Did you hear about the new com...

Did you hear about the new computer virus?
It's called the "Lorena Bobbit Virus".
Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!

Unusual affair

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious,” Paddy says. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”