Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 19 April 2016

I want a boyfriend who

I want a boyfriend who:

“I can never understa

“I can never understand my trigonometry teacher because he always talks in sine language.”

A man was taking it easy, lyin

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.
"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"
GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"
GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."
The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"
GOD said, "In a minute."

Little Johnny In Class

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.One little boy raises his hand, 'I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.''Very good, William,' cooed the teacher.'My mommy had a baby,' said little Esther. 'Oh, that's nice,' replied the teacher.Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.'I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.'The teacher was relieved but puzzled, 'And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?''It'll teach those Indians not to 'screw' with the Lone Ranger.'

 Lightbulb Joke Collection 43

Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway.
Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and replace them.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One: of course. Two to do it, and -1 to renormalise the wave-function. (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)
Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. When they get the socket to hold still, they can't find it.
Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.

Lettter from god

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on.

He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth - 95 percent of people were bad and only 5 percent were good.

Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him down to earth for a time.

When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him - yes, the earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were good.

God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to help keep them going.

Do you know what the letter said?

Oh, so you didn't get one either?

Q. What did the pop star do w

Q. What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?
A. He sang until he found the right key!

A husband and wife were drivin...

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a big, muddy hole in the road and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? You must do it at night."
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

The Guardian Angel's Mistake

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"
The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky...

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

A trip to the dentist...

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.

"I'm shocked!" she complained.

"This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."

Bret Ernst: Blame America

Everybody likes to blame America for everything. What are we, only 233 years old? These other countries are thousands of years old. Not only did they not get it right, but a lot of times they screw up and ask us for help. Thats like a 90-year-old man asking a two-year-old for advice.

Biblical Puns

Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samson’s house?
A: She picked his locks.
Q: Why didn’t Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first six plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.
Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didn’t want to split hairs.

A Very Minor Sin

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?""Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."
"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."
"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."

After twelve years in prison...

After twelve years in prison, a man finally escapes.
When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!"