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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 05 May 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 05 May 2016

Fresh out of business school,

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (20)

 Doctor Doctor Collection 03


Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the window...!
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon!
Well sit still and don't stir!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises!

#joke #doctor #drinks #coffee
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

“A synthesis is an es

“A synthesis is an essay about transgressions.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Give us a selfie, Papa!

Give us a selfie, Papa! | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Do you know me....

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build anormal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.92/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (13)

There's a blond and a brunett

There's a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Mathematical solution

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

Why Men Live So Long

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will

work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on

your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will

live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too

much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You

will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to

whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his

table scraps and live for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like

that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.

You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You

will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown

of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10

years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the

only rational Being that walks the earth. You will

use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of

the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20

years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too

little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused,

the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey

rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry

and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy

loads on his back. Then, he is to have

children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and

eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry;

then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting

like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so...

#joke #animal #dog #monkey #mule #food #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 20 August 2015
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

The inventor of the Harley-Dav

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been sucha good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, Yourreward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want tohang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one whoinvented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that'spretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have somemajor design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key wordsAnd waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper andGod read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said toArthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are ridingmy invention than yours."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 21 January 2015
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Chuck Norris' pulse is measure...

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 May 2011
  • Currently 2.83/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (54)

Computer Movers

Dick and Dirk are employed in a computer hardware store as movers.

One day both of them are asked to move some computers. Dick being energetic that day doesn't feel the computer to be heavy at all. At the same time he sees that Dirk is struggling very hard to lift his computer.

At this Dick says, "What Dirk, my comp has 500 MB HardDisk and yours has just 250, even then you cannot lift it ???"

At this Dirk thinks for a while and replies, "Thats right, but my HardDisk is full and yours is empty"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 May 2010
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (49)

I Own The Fastest Car

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!
The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 May 2011
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (45)

Praying for a Parking Space

A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
#joke #drinks #wine
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 May 2015
  • Currently 8.16/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (37)

Adam Strays

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

#joke #food #honey
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 May 2012
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (33)

A local business was looking f...

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
#joke #animal #dog
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 November 2009
  • Currently 6.56/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (61)

Face Painting

When my wife was sleeping, I drew Mark Hamill on her forehead.
You should have seen the Luke on her face!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

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