Jokes of the day for Saturday, 14 May 2016

A man and a woman are having s

A man and a woman are having some drinks and they get into a discussion about who enjoys sex more. The man says, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That does not prove anything," says the woman. "Think about this; when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?"

A city slicker shoots a duck o

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."
"What's country style?" asks the city boy.
"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."
The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."

All the proof she needs?

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked: 'Will you buy booze?'

The bum said: 'No'

The man asked 'Will you gamble it away?'

The bum said: 'No.'

Then the man asked: 'Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?'

Bill Clinton

He's "The Real Tricky Dick."

Q: Why did the witches' team

Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.

Fat people are harder to kidnap

Don't be afraid of a few extra pounds. Fat people are harder to kidnap.

“The museum curator w

“The museum curator was brilliant at judging sculptures and paintings. He displayed art official intelligence.”

Jeff Dunham: How Women Age

Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.
Walter: Shes getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: Shes aging like milk.

God Takes a Vacation

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

As the plane was flying low ov...

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"


"Just snow," replied the stewardess.


"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

Jeff Dunham: Coffee as a Sex-Enhancer?

Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee is good for your sex life. Jeff Dunham: Oh, and is it? Walter: No. It kept me awake for the whole damn thing. I actually had to participate!

How Fast Was I Going?

"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

Roar

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunt...

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." 
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." 
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything! 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule." 
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" 
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." 
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. 
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. 
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." 
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Now, I give up. You can have the duck."

Two lawyers

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.