Jokes of the day for Saturday, 11 June 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 11 June 2016 |
A businessman and his secretar
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie."Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
Forget Bran Stark. After getti
Forget Bran Stark. After getting punched in the face Jose Bautista can't stop shouting “Odor! Odor!“The three wishes...
One day, a man was walking down the street when he saw a genie lamp in a nearby alley. Excitedly, he picked it up and rubbed it. A genie came out and said, "I will grant you three wishes, Master!"
The man was so happy, his first wish was, "I want a billion dollars!!!!!!"
"Your wish has been granted, a billion dollars is now in your bank account."
The man was even happier. "I want a beautiful woman!"
"Your wish has been granted," the genie said and a beautiful woman appeared!
"This is great!" said the man. Not wanting to waste his last wish, he decided to think about it for awhile longer. "I can't think of another wish right now, can I tell you later?"
"Make it so, whenever you say your wish, it will be granted."
The next day, the man was driving down the road, as happy as ever. He heard a popular commercial song on the radio and decided to sing along with it.
"Oooooh, I wish I were an Oscar-Mayer weinerrr......"
Lightbulb Joke Collection 57
Q: How many members of Marillion does it take to change a light-bulb?"
A: Well, I thought it was going to be something to do with Fish (as in the ubiquitous surrealists joke,) but in fact the answer was only 2, but first they had to figure out how Genesis would have done it. Apparently this would be hilarious to fans of these groups, who believe Marillion to be Genesis copycats.
Q: How many members of Take That does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: They can't sing, they can't dance so what makes you think they can change a lightbulb?
Q: How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the fingerings.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh ! I could've done that !"
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a bit differently.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It can't be done. They only know how to twist things to the right.
Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
Catholic Math
This Jewish father wants to send his kid to school, but is not sure where to send him to. Finally he just looks at the brochure from Catholic school and thinks that since it's priced reasonable and sounds like a nice place all together, he'll try him over there.
His kid goes to school the first semester and comes home with a report card.
His father takes a look, turns to his son and says: -"A plus in math??? How in the hell did you pull that off since that's your worse subject?"
" Well father, the first day I walked into my math class and saw a guy hanging on a wall nailed to the plus sign - I knew they weren't mucking around!"
When someone says to me great minds think alike
When someone says to me great minds think alike, i just look at them and think “You dirty bastard” Two-timer
Mrs. Donnell said to her maid: "Oh Mary, I suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it," Mary snapped: "you're just saying that to make me jealous."
Life is like a box of chocolat...
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.A woman meets a gorgeous man i...
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, 'Well, how was it?'
The man says, 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.'
Demetri Martin: Employee of the Month
I think Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time. Stephen Rannazzisi: Slow Pitch Softball
I joined a softball team, which I thought was a great idea... but the guys on my team are crazy. These guys show up to games -- slow pitch softball games -- with cleats, stirrups, the Barry Bonds arm guards on, the black crap under their eyes. Im like, Fellas, the ball is this big. If you cant see it, you probably shouldnt have driven to the game today. Ten Thoughts to Ponder...
Number 10Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT...
America knows exactly where one cow with mad-cow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but they haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe the USA should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.