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Jokes of the day for Monday, 18 July 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 18 July 2016

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games. Sajt vise ne radi
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Words of Wisdom

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating — always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

How do you catch a s...

“How do you catch a skeleton?
- With a rib-cage.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - Great design of suit

Great design of suit | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

A woman brings eight-year-old

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he wascaught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound tobe curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her damn appendixout!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Skydiving

Ole was to learn skydiving. He was told that shortly after jumping out of the plane he was to pull the short rip cord and that will open a small parachute which will open the large chute and if by chance the large chute fails to open, he should pull the other cord which will open the large parachute. He was told that a car will be on the ground to take him back to the airport.

Ole jumps out of the plane and proceeds to pull the first cord. The small chute doesn't open so he pulls the last cord and the large parachute doesn't open either. Ole thinks to himself, "It will be just my luck that the car won't be there either"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (16)

 Attorney Questioning


The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.
Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!!
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?
Witness: Yes, correct.
Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear?
Witness: No.
Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!
Witness: I saw him spit it out.
(Dead Silence)
Attorney: No more questions.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Life cycle of software

The Life Cycle of Software

  1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
  2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
  3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
  4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
  5. See 3.
  6. See 4.
  7. See 5.
  8. See 6.
  9. See 7.
  10. See 8.
  11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
  12. Users find 137 new bugs.
  13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
  14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
  15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
  16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
  17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
  18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
  19. See step 2

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 July 2011
  • Currently 5.52/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (50)

John Mulaney: Women Friends

I think that women can be friends with each other, but I think it can be tricky sometimes when you try and force women to hang out with each other. You could never put together a heist of women. Like Oceans 11 with women wouldnt work cause two would keep breaking off to talk sh*t about the other nine.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 July 2012
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (42)

Sticky Hair?

Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Bear taking a dump.

Bear says, "Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit replies, "No Bear, I don't. Why do you ask?"

So Bear grabs Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 July 2012
  • Currently 4.17/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (42)

Potatoes!

One night there was three fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a red-head. They had the police hot on their trail and quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in. When all three were inside the red-head, quickly thinking said they should all hid in old potatoe sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory. They all got in their little potatoe sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door. They looked at the sacks and said 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these' The officer kicks the Red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises. 'Hmm just puppies in that sack' The officer kicks the Brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises. 'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and he hears....

'POTATOES POTATOES!'

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 July 2012
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (41)

One day, a guy went into a sto...

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.

He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.

The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.

He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.

As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.

He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.

He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.

The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds".

The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 July 2011
  • Currently 6.36/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (39)

A guy had just returned from t...

A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.
"What?" shouted the boss, "I can't give you more time now. Why didn't you get married while you were off?"
"Are you nuts?" he replied. "That would have ruined my whole vacation."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (16)

This is a true story, proving...

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrowfull of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of thatstraw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you thinkthe man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

Matt Braunger: Medical Marijuana Dispensaries

Its incredibly easy to get. People go to those dispensaries, and they have a laundry list of ailments to give to those doctors that will just sign off on anything. You can pretty much go in there and go, Um, I intermittently blink all day. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and I have to pee. And scary movies scare me. You need pot, here, take it.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 July 2011
  • Currently 4.15/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (52)

Whats My Name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

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