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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 13 August 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 13 August 2016

A very tall man walks into a b...

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
"What's that?" the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his willy he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.
"No, no! Calm down," the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a minute."
#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Nice pigs sir

A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.

The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."

Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."

The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."

#joke
  • Currently 8.54/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (28)

SLIDESHOW #32 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Marry A Lawyer

A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?", pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
#joke #short #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Funny video of the day - Fails of the Week 2 August 2016

Fails of the Week 2 August 2016 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

“Wounds heal better i

“Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Grandma skateboard

Grandma skateboard | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

I never quite figured out why

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 21 March 2016
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Where No Man has gon

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.

They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"

The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 August 2011
  • Currently 2.20/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (76)

Animated GIF - Skateboard Fail

Skateboard Fail - Skateboard Fail - link to page gif is posted initially.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Chuck Norris got shot. We are ...

Chuck Norris got shot. We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 August 2014
  • Currently 6.57/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (77)

There used to be a street name...

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 August 2011
  • Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (58)

A major network is planning th...

A major network is planning the show "Survivor" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 13 August 2010
  • Currently 7.10/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (48)

Man Talks to God

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 13 August 2009
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (42)

Pamela:''You're half an hour late...

Pamela: "You're half an hour late. I've been standing here like a fool."
Candance: "I can't help how you stand."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

A very young couple exhibiting...

A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness timidly approached the check-in desk of a large Manhattan hotel.
"Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favouring the young man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?"
"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Being Alone


A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone.

One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don¡¯t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain.

One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said,

"What did you do that for?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 November 2013
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (14)

Mum's operation

Two women were bemoaning the state of the Health Service. One said, "Do you know, my ninety-three-year-old mother has been waiting over a year for her operation?"
"That's appalling," said the other woman. "What a terrible way to treat someone of that age."

"I know," said the first woman. "It got so bad that at one point I even said to her, 'Mum, do you really need bigger b**bs?'"

C/o Roland via 'Tradezone' junk mail in the smoko room.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 20 November 2014
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Not Afraid

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 May 2015
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (12)

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