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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 14 August 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 14 August 2016

A young guy goes to the Job Ce...

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, West Virginia, and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he wants to learn more. "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up a file and says, "The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you're going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That's about 250 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?" the young man asks.
"No, sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

PRISON vs WORK

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to payfor it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock andopen all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK....You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no workrequired.
AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work andthen they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through barsfrom the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get outand go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK....They are called supervisors.
When I finally left my last place of work, it was just likebeing released from prison, as I was free to do whateverI wanted to.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.72/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (18)

SLIDESHOW #13 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Three Bears

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!!"

#joke
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Rating: 6.5/10 (22)

Funny video of the day - Naked Survey Prank!

Naked Survey Prank! - link to page video is posted initially.
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Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

 Real News Headlines 11


These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
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Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Funny Photo of the day - Lunch with best friend

Lunch with best friend | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

“Wounds heal better i

“Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Ethiopian

What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit? A show-off!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 August 2011
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Rating: 3.3/10 (51)

Animated GIF - Bring Me Little Water

Bring Me Little Water - Bring Me Little Water - link to page gif is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Chuck Norris invented the bear...

Chuck Norris invented the beard.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 August 2011
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Three Wishes for Three Priests

Three priests died and came up to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked up the priests and informed them there had been a mistake; they were not supposed to die for another 10 years or so.
The priests were upset about this and asked St. Peter what could be done. St. Peter said that he would send them back to earth in any form they wanted until the problem was fixed.
St Peter asks the first priest, " What do you want to become?" and the first priest replies," I always wanted to be an eagle and see all of God's creation from above."
"Done." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the first priest disappears.
St. Peter asks the second priest, "What do you want to become?" and the second priest replies, "I always wanted to be a dolphin and see all of God's creation from under the sea."
"Done." St Peter snaps his fingers and the second priest disappears like the first.
St. Peter asks the third priest, "What do you want to become?"" and the third priest shyly says, ""Well... my wish is kind of sinful."
"No matter. You can choose any form you want." St. Peter says and the third priest replies, "Well, I always wanted to be a...stud, you know?"
St .Peter replies, "I don't see a problem with that." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the third priest disappears.
Later, Jesus asked St. Peter, " I heard there was a problem with three priests being here before their time. Where are they?"
St. Peter explained, "One is soaring high above the Grand Canyon. The second is swimming in the North Atlantic. The third is on the left rear tire of a Chevy Blazer."
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 14 August 2009
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I get so drunk that I imagine things

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 14 August 2009
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Rating: 5.6/10 (33)

Greg Giraldo: Dodgeball Skills

Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination aint your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, I better hit the books because this is not working out.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 August 2010
  • Currently 4.20/10

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Photographer

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 April 2013
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Limited Funds

"Hey Alexa, can you check my bank account and see what Apple product I can afford to buy...."
Alexa: "Apple Juice."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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Rating: 9.5/10 (31)

35 New Halloween jokes from 2023

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange or Nec-tarines?

Where do mummies go if they want to swim?
The Dead Sea!

Why don't vampires eat cows?
They don't like stakes.

Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?
His ghoulfriend.

Why didn't the police arrest the zombie?
He couldn't be taken alive.

How do ghosts drink their coffee?
With scream and sugar.

How many real vampires are there?
None. Unless you count Dracula.

What's a ghost's favorite dessert?
Ice scream sandwich.

Why did the ghost quit his job?
They kept making him work the graveyard shift.

Tired of new jokes? We have big collection of older Halloween jokes

Why do witches wear name tags?
To tell which witch is which.

How do skeletons start their cars?
With skeleton keys.

What did one casket say to the sick casket?
Is that you coughin'?

What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you, coffin?

Why don't ghosts take showers?
They only like boo-ble baths.

Why did Dracula go to art school?
He wanted to learn how to draw blood.

How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.

What did the corpse's mom do when she got mad at him?
She grounded him.

What kind of ship does Dracula have?
A blood vessel.

What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.

What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.

Why didn't the mom let the little witch go trick or treating with her friends?
She was ex-spelled from school.

What kind of dessert does a monster like?
I-scream!

Why don't monsters eat popcorn with their fingers?
They eat fingers separately.

When do zombies finish trick or treating?
When they are dead tired.

Where do movie stars go on Halloween?
Mali-boo.

Who does a mummy take on a date?
Any girl he can dig up.

What does a zombie wear to make their eyes pop?
Ma-scare-a!

Why did the Cyclops give up teaching?
He only had one pupil!

What kind of car does Frankenstein drive on Halloween night?
A monster truck.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich.

Why wouldn’t Dracula’s kids laugh at his jokes?
Because they all sucked.

Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

#joke #halloween #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Pizza delivery guy

Scientists have observed that when one pizza delivery guy falls over, several others also fall over.

This is known as the Domino's effect.

Joke Found on 21st Century Jokes (@ModernJokesJun) twitter page, originally published on Jun 4, 2014

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Marketing translations

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 22 August 2008
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