Jokes of the day for Friday, 02 September 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 02 September 2016 |
Mary was discussing the variou
Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency.During the discussion, she asked. "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"
The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."
The place where I work decided...
The place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the "suits" upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent to the homes of the various VIP's.The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn't work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn't power up.
I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it.
"I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone."
"Did you put the battery in the phone?"
"Not the extra one."
"Sir, the phone only came with one battery."
(Pause) "Oh, I think I figured out what's wrong with it."
Guilt...
A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.
Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"
Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."
How Cold Is It Outside?
How Cold Is Cold?60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
Brendon Walsh: WMD Penis
My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname. She was calling it a weapon of mass destruction. Sounded cool, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought my penis was really hard to find. Animated GIF - When you think Thursday is Friday
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Chuck Norris doesn't mow his l...
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares his grass to grow.A Roll Of The Dice
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.
She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!
The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"
She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"
The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"
Turbulent Times
A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."
Britney and Christina Work Together
Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building a barn. While putting up the inside wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the garbage can.
Britney asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Christina said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail." Britney said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"