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Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 September 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 19 September 2016

“What do cupcakes use

“What do cupcakes use in the summer time? A sprinkler.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

A mall manager has three space

A mall manager has three spaces to rent, all in a row. A prospective lessee shows up and says he wants to rent the space on the left for a men's wear shop.
"That's fine," the mall manager says. "You get free signage; what do you want on the sign?"
"Men's Wear," says the man.
A second guy comes along and asks to rent the right hand space for his gentleman's formal wear business. When asked he says he wants "Men's Wear" on his sign. The mall manager tells him that the left hand shop will have the same sign. "No problem," says the man.
Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle space. The manager is somewhat concerned because this guy also has a men's wear shop. Warily the manager asks the third man what he wants on his sign.
The guy replies: "Entrance."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Are you infested by insects? F

Are you infested by insects? File a grieve ants.
#joke #short #animal #ant
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - The Napsack, A Wearable Sleeping Bag With Arm And Leg Holes

The Napsack, A Wearable Sleeping Bag With Arm And Leg Holes - Sleeping bag with zippable arm holes and a cinch at the bottom so you can stick your legs out and wear it as a dress. | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

One wish

A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up.

A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."

The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."

The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible."

The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women...what makes them laugh and cry...you know, what makes them tick."

The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?'

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.88/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (16)

Kids Tough Question

Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions.
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?
Father: Ok ask.
Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.
Father: !!!??????!!!
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Three women: one engaged, one

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
#joke #food #lunch #dinner
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 May 2015
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

I can not tell a lie...

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

#joke #sport #golf
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 September 2015
  • Currently 8.97/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (66)

Chuck Norris on a pogo stick p...

Chuck Norris on a pogo stick presents a danger to low flying aircraft.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 September 2011
  • Currently 3.14/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (57)

Moving Testimony

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 September 2010
  • Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (48)

Things to Ponder

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you're ahead?”

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists — most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration…

#joke #animal #bear #fish #food
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 September 2011
  • Currently 7.51/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (43)

You might be a redneck if ...

You might be a redneck if...

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.

Your house has a kickstand.

You drive around a parking lot for fun.

Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".

You have to duct tape your gloves on.

You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.

Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.

You think that Marlboro is a cologne.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 September 2011
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (40)

The real reason that we can't...

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...
It creates a hostile work environment.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 June 2015
  • Currently 9.58/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (12)

To all Employees

It has been brought to Management's attention that someindividuals throughout the company have been using foullanguage during the course of normal conversation withtheir co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who maybe easily offended, this type of language will no longer betolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importanceof being able to accurately express your feelings you are whencommunicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 newand innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided sothat proper exchange of ideas and Information can continueto flow in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Have a Wonderful DAY ! ! !
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 July 2016
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (14)

I still love you

Ex: I still love you.
Me: I still love me too.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 09 March 2016
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Bill Burr: Rednecks to Afghanistan

Rednecks are like Americas pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo -- itll scare the hell out of them.
#joke #short #animal #bull
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 30 June 2011
  • Currently 4.19/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (43)

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