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Jokes of the day for Monday, 03 October 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 03 October 2016

A Republican and a Democrat we

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (51)

“How do you get yarn

“How do you get yarn out of a snake? Wait until it sheds its skein.”

#joke #short #animal #snake
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

I had a communist lover. She l

I had a communist lover. She left Marx all over my body. They're only visible from certain Engels.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

By the time you read through t

By the time you read through this you wil understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes'means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
#joke #food #butter #egg #muffin #bacon #drinks #coffee #tea
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Then and Now concerns for people of the baby boom generation

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

 You Might Be A Redneck If 08


You might be a redneck if...
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

#joke #animal #bird
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Irritated with everything

Irritated with everything: Have you ever been in one of those moods where you don't really know what's wrong but you feel irritated with everyone and everything?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games. Sajt vise ne radi
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

The Date

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".
The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

After they finish, the guy says,

"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 October 2012
  • Currently 7.74/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (54)

Blonde quickies 13

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?

A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?

A: Sweet Fuck All...

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?

A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?

A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?

A: A labrador.

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?

: A 69 interrupted by a period.

#joke #blonde #food #sugar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 October 2009
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (46)

Alfred Robles: Engaged for 10 Months

My girl wants to change the engagement rules. She tells me, Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know Im taken, and you dont got to wear nothing? I told her, Babe, I wear my sad face every day.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 03 October 2011
  • Currently 5.47/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (38)

A Yogi Goes to the Dentist...

Did you hear about the Hindu yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth? When the dentist asked him if he wanted novocaine, the yogi said, "No. I can transcend dental medication."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 October 2009
  • Currently 3.96/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (25)

Chuck Norris has two speeds: w...

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 03 October 2011
  • Currently 3.84/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (19)

Offer Legal Advice

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.
The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.
When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

They Cheated

Once two star football players had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game.
So, after much begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again.
They took the test, and turned it in.
The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big 'F' on both tests.
The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated. 'Why?' the coach asked.
The teacher showed him number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test.
The answer read 'I don't know.' The coach said that it did not prove anything.
The teacher handed him the second test. The answer read 'I don't know either.'

#joke #sport #football
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

Women need a reason to have sex

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal (March 14 1948-)

Picture: Getty Images

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 September 2015
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

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