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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 12 October 2016

A woman was being questioned i

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.
"Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

“Some undercover oper

“Some undercover operatives are given blanket approvals!”

#joke #short
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

SLIDESHOW #94 - Funny Photo Slideshow

In Russia and Ukraine, it̵

In Russia and Ukraine, it's easy to find wifey hotspots.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Football Tryout

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'

#joke #thanksgiving
  • Currently 7.36/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (36)

An eagle was sitting on a tree...

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 July 2016
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

 Giving Sad News To A Troop


The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 12 July 2015
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

A young couple, just married...

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 12 October 2015
  • Currently 8.21/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (53)

Smart kid

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 12 October 2015
  • Currently 8.69/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (45)

Nick Swardson: Vanna White

I think that Vanna White got the best job ever. Is that not the best job? If I were a woman, I would want that job so bad. Like, thats her job! What a country -- she just turns letters. I turn letters, but only when they glow. Im not stupid.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 October 2010
  • Currently 3.51/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (43)

The Preacher and the Microphone

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as

he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the

mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting

wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it

again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third

pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets

loose, will he hurt us?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 October 2010
  • Currently 6.78/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (27)

Who Is the Real Virgin?

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible.
But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 12 October 2009
  • Currently 5.88/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (16)

Great news

College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"

Father: "What, son?"

College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"

Father: "I certainly do!"

College student: "Well, you get to keep it."

#joke
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

Hari Kondabolu: Arizona Anti-Immigration Laws

Its this anti-immigration legislation that theyre trying to push, where they would allow police officers to racially profile undocumented immigrants, especially people in the Mexican community. I think thats horrendous. But what amazes me is that people support this law. I was watching the news, this woman in Arizona, looking at a camera, straight faced, she says, Hey, were just trying to bring the country back to the way it used to be. The way it used to be? Lady, youre in Arizona. It used to be Mexico.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 June 2011
  • Currently 4.24/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (58)

What Is It Like To You?

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 22 July 2015
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Take Care of the Big Rocks First

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 23 August 2015
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

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