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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 06 November 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 06 November 2016

A saxophone player was contrac...

A saxophone player was contracted to do a recording session for a movie. Much to his delight, the soundtrack was pretty much a sax solo from beginning to end.
When the session was over the sax player asked the producer what film his music would be in. The producer admitted that it was an adult film and gave him the name of a theatre that would be showing the premiere.
At the premiere, the Saxophone soloist crept into the movie house, embarrassed, and sat in the back next to an elderly couple who were also trying to be anonymous. The movie was disgusting, ending with a scene involving a dog. The sax player finally had enough, and made his exit past the elderly couple, remarking, "I only came to hear the music."
The old lady replied, "We only came to see our dog!"
#joke #animal #dog
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (14)

The first suit?

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (12)

“Sainthood is a gangs

“Sainthood is a gangster who truly repented.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (11)

 You Might Be A Redneck If 62


You might be a reneck if...
You've ever been stuck in your own driveway.
You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.
Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color.
You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.
You can name all the characters from the "Dukes of Hazzard".
You recite lines from "The Dukes of Hazzard".
You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.
You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.
You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.
Your idea of a fancy dessert is "moon pie ala mode".

#joke #animal #dog #food #pie #dessert
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 20 December 2015
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

A man goes into hospital for a

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 April 2015
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Filming on location for Walker...

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
#joke #chuck-norris #animal #lamb
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 06 November 2011
  • Currently 2.81/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (68)

A blonde and a lawyer are seat...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 November 2009
  • Currently 6.74/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (61)

Not me!

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore.

As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.

Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he?d also shit in your pants."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 06 November 2010
  • Currently 3.97/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (37)

Barmen

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we will forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.

For ever and ever.

Barmen.

#joke #drinks #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 06 November 2013
  • Currently 5.36/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (33)

Degrees

The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'

#joke #short #food #fries
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 06 November 2014
  • Currently 8.42/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (26)

Tour Bus Driver

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."      

#joke #food #peanuts #chocolate
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 March 2015
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Offer Legal Advice

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.
The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.
When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 September 2016
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Cat Birthday

Q: What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?

A: Mice cream and cake.

#joke #short #animal #cat #mice #food #cake
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

A Smart Response

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. 'I have a higher IQ, did better on my SAT's, and make more money than you,' she pointed out.
'Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,' I said.
She looked mystified. 'How do you figure?'
'I married better,' I replied.

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

Black Panties

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black prophylactic over his manhood.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black prophylactic?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."    

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 15 April 2015
  • Currently 7.07/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (14)

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