Jokes of the day for Sunday, 25 December 2016

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied...

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" the young man asked excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!" The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" she exclaimed. "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."
The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Kittens

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it was printed on the bottom."

Ponderings Collection 21

Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?
The light went out, but where to ?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?
Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Who doesn't believe in S

Who doesn't believe in Santa? Yoko Ho No.

“Mail order cows were

“Mail order cows were first shipped by raft down the Mississippi River. They traveled on cattle logs.”

A little boy got on the bus, s

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, andnoticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who wasa priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father ofmany."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and twograndchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" andwent back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over andsaid,"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of yourcollar."

Demetri Martin: Christmas Wrapping

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper. The paper I used said, Happy Birthday. I didnt want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it.

A Blonde walks into a Restarau...

A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. The blonde is looking at the bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$" She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stood up and nocks the blonde unconcious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. In a Joking manner blonde she looks at her freind and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"
The other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year."

An Israeli doctor says...

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.

Meals in Heaven

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away,

the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.

"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.

"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna,

and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell

and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks,

pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry,

and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of

tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed

a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and

chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna

was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to

be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this

is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the

Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."

"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two

people, does it pay to cook?"

Chuck Norris doesn't fly throu...

Chuck Norris doesn't fly through the air, the air moves out of his way.

The real reason that we can't...

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...
It creates a hostile work environment.

Every guy

Every guy thinks that every girls dream is to find the perfect guy….Please, every girls dream is to eat without getting fat.

Kevin Hart: Cancer Did It

My uncle comes up, taps me on the back. He's like, 'Kevin, I just want to let you know whoever did this is going to die tonight.'...I said, 'Cancer did it. It was cancer.' He said, 'Well, you tell Cancer I'm looking for him, and when I find him, I'm going to shoot him in the face -- twice.'

Cough Syrup

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"