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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Mitch Hedberg: Mitch's Pizzeria

I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place: Mitch's Pizzeria -- this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza.'
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

Ancient Hebrew Scroll’s Uncovered

These ancient scroll’s explain Why the Jews Left Egypt.
Translated in March of 5777 and given the title 'For This We Left Egypt' by the 3 wise men, Alan Zweibel, Dave Barry & Adam Mansbach. It tells the story of the Jewish people's slavery in Egypt, their release from bondage, and their mass exodus to the Promised Land. It is a much-beloved book, steeped in tradition and replete with prayers and songs of celebration in addition to fun pictures of inedible food and deadly plagues.
Yet what has confounded rabbis and been a source of much theological debate through the centuries is the word Haggadah itself. What does it mean?
Some have contended that it does not have a definition. that the word itself defines the text-just as the word kneecap has no other meaning than, well, kneecap.
In fact, Haggadah is not a word, but rather the name of the only former Hebrew slave to drown once the waters of the parted Red Sea, unparted. Haggadah crossed safely, but went back to retrieve a sandal that had come off his foot during that hectic rush between the walls of water. As a handful of witnesses overheard and subsequently blabbered to their Old Testament neighbors, the conversation between Haggadah and Moses once they reached the other side was as follows.
'Hey, Moses, do me a favor and keep the Red Sea parted just a few minutes longer? I gotta get my sandal.'
'To hell with your sandal, Haggadah! I've got to unpart these waters so the Pharaoh's army drowns. My G-d, it's been hundreds of years since we relaxed.'
'So what am I supposed to do?'
'Hop to the Promised Land, Haggadah.'
But the portly Haggadah did not pay heed. He waddled back for his beloved sandal (it's been said the pair were a gift from his aged mother shortly before she died of dysentery, leprosy, intestinal worms, plague, scurvy, and exposure), retrieved it, placed it on his foot, turned, and started running in an attempt to rejoin his now liberated brethren. But it was not to be, as the walls of the Red Sea came crashing down upon him-the irony being that about ten minutes later his retrieved sandal Click here to obtain the full text.

Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

SLIDESHOW #73 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Defective nails...?

Two guys were doing construction on a house. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.

The other guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first guy explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."

The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

  • Currently 9.13/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (16)

“Sir Cumference built

“Sir Cumference built King Arthur's round table, and Sir Ramic Tile did the flooring.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Sit on dinosaur to boost your productivity at work

Sit on dinosaur to boost your productivity at work - Or just to have fun on workplace | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Don't worry if you’

Don't worry if you're undead. You can still be zombody.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

A man entered the bus with bot...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full ofgolf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully andfinally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.89/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (53)

 Wrong Place Wrong Time

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Rory Johnson, 29, was arrested in May for a liquor store robbery in Elkhart, Ind. Johnson had parked in the back of the store to facilitate his getaway but had trouble exiting because of congestion due to road construction. Five minutes after the robbery, he was sitting in his car, having moved only a few feet, and liquor store employees pointed him out to police.

Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Always be yourself...

Always be yourself...
Unless you can be a pirate...
in which case, DEFINITELY be a pirate!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Tetanus Shot

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."    

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

Shack It to Heaven

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold. They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 08 February 2017
  • Currently 7.68/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (37)

A tour bus load full of noisy

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.
They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!"
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 February 2015
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

Complete and Finished

There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."

When you marry the right one, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.

And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 April 2013
  • Currently 8.02/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (52)

A young lady came home from a ...

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 April 2009
  • Currently 8.14/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (44)

Actual Answer from a Medical Student

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 April 2010
  • Currently 7.22/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (37)

"Simon, if I had eight apples ...

"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”

“Huge hands, sir.”
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 April 2012
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (30)

A man is sitting at the bar in

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shotsof whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you forover fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What'sgoing on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the manreplies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles,and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 April 2015
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (17)

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