Jokes of the day for Friday, 16 June 2017

The Anxious Poodle

Poodle: “My life is a mess.
My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

 

 

“What do you call a s

“What do you call a sour orange that was late to school? Tarty!”

When Kim Jung Un was a kid he

When Kim Jung Un was a kid he would stay up all night with his ballistic missiles. The neighbours always complained he was creating quite a rocket.

Two golfing friends were about...

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
"Nope, I only need one ball."
"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"
"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."
"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"
"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"
"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it."

Cutting class

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

 Answering Machine Message 99

Beethoven's Fifth:
Nobody's home.
Why did you phone?
Please leave your message here when you have heard the tone,
And we will call you back as soon as we get home.
Your message here,
After the tone,
Here is the tone... tone... BEEP

Once there was a golfer whose...

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay.
He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot.
Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived.
One dazed ant said to the other, "What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on that ball!"

Langauge

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.

Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"

"A lawyer? Why??"

"We need someone who speaks their langauge!"

What a mess!

Have you heard about the elephant with diarrhea?

It's all over town!

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

Chuck Norris can delete the Re...

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Do Cats Go to Heaven?

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

A Little Cannibalism Humor, Folks

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?