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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 17 June 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 17 June 2017

A woman complains to her frien

A woman complains to her friend that her hubbie is losing interest in sex, and he prefers nights out with the lads to the joys of copulation.
Her friend tells her that to win his love, she must make more effort. She advises her to cook her man a slap up meal and then send him drinking down the pub with his pals. When he returns, she must be dressed in her naughtiest lingerie and look her most beautiful.
The following evening, she does exactly as instructed and is dressed to kill by the time her man returns. When he sees her lying on the bed in all her gear, he tells her to stand up and take it all off. He then tells her to do a hand stand against the bedroom mirror and open her legs.
This excites the woman immensely as her hubbie has never been this erotic before.
She does as instructed, and then he puts his face between her legs, faces the mirror and says, "No, no... maybe the lads are right -- a beard wouldn't suit me."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Cured

A woman went to doctor's office for her annual examination.

Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.

A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman's doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren... and you told her she was pregnant?"

The woman's doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 8.40/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (20)

SLIDESHOW #99 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Chem One-liners 03


Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldn't put it down?
What's the formula for water? -H-two-O What's the formula for an ice cube? -H-two-O-CUBED
Q: What do you get when you combine Al Gore with O2?
A: Oxymoron
The best chemists would definitely not be pet owners.
Their idea of a catalyst:
2 bags of cat litter
3 cans of cat food
1 can of flea powder
1 collar
Q: How do you get lean molecules?
A:Feed them titrations.
Q: And why does a white bear melt in water?
A: Because it's polar.
Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory?
His business went insolvent.
Q: What's the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

The Anxious Poodle

Poodle: “My life is a mess.
My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

“What do you call a s

“What do you call a sour orange that was late to school? Tarty!”

#joke #short
  • Currently 1.44/10

Rating: 1.4/10 (9)

The Search for a Pastor During Bible Times

Dear Member,We do not have a happy report, as we have not been able to find a suitable candidate for pastor of our church thus far. We do, however, have one promising prospect. The following is our confidential report on the candidates:Adam: Good man, but has problems with his wife.Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart. Interprets dreams. Has a prison record.Moses: Modest and meek, but poor communicator; even stutters at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings.Deborah: One word—female.David: The most promising candidate of all, until we discovered the affair he had with a neighbor’s wife.Solomon: Great preacher, but serious woman problems. Elijah: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure. Jonah: Told us he was swallowed by a huge fish. He said the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.Amos: Backward and unpolished. With some seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a problem with wealthy people.John: Says he’s a Baptist, but doesn’t dress like one. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.Paul: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. But he’s short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night.Timothy: Too young.Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday with great hopes that he will accept our offer!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 January 2017
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life: Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 July 2016
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Coroners refer to dead people ...

Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 June 2011
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (48)

Taliban TV Guide

Taliban TV Guide

MONDAYS:

8:00 - "Husseinfeld"

8:30 - "Mad About Everything"

9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"

9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"

10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:

8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"

8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says Its Right"

9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"

9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"

10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:

8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"

8:30 - "Bowling For Food"

9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"

9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"

10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:

8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"

8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"

9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"

9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"

10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:

8:00 - "Judge Laden"

8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"

9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire"

9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"

10:00 - "No-witness News"

#joke #friday #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 June 2011
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (41)

Christopher Titus: Drunk Driving Lecture

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasnt a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 June 2011
  • Currently 4.68/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (41)

Socks...

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy.

The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.

The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong.

With a look of shock on his face the young man says, "OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 June 2009
  • Currently 5.47/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (32)

Hang your @

Home is where you hang your @.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 June 2009
  • Currently 3.27/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (26)

A man walks into a chemist's ...

A man walks into a chemist's and says, "Can I have a bar of soap, please?" The chemist says, "Do you want it scented?" And the man says, "No, I'll take it with me now".

Ronnie Barker (1929-2005)

Picture: Getty

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 March 2015
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A man was walking down the bea...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finnally he said," Well i've allways wanted to give a kidney."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 November 2009
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (65)

Gone Camping

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping and riding trip. 

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. 

Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. 

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire. 

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" 

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" 

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want." 

So here I am.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 February 2015
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (10)

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