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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 24 June 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 24 June 2017

One day a young man and woman

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming, "Oh my gosh, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said, "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina.
The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said, "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."
So the doctor went deeper and deeper... After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed... The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud... The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
#joke #doctor #animal #bee #food #honey
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Moldy Jello? That's rath

Moldy Jello? That's rather off pudding.
#joke #short #food #pudding
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Burglary Witness

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (17)

 Abbott Calling Costello


Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.
Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?
Abbott: Yes, that's correct.
Costello: No, what is it?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: So, which is the one?
Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.
Costello: Stop this. Who are you?
Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'.
Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?
Abbott: Use 'what'.
Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?
Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.
Costello: Which one?
Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'
Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.
Costello: I want to find the revision code.
Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.
Costello: Which command will do what I need?
Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.
Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Costello: Write what?
Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Costello: Cut that out!
Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.
Costello: Do you always do this?
Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.
Costello: HELP!
Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Costello: You make me angry.
Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.
Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.
Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!
Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.
Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Some Things You Just Cant Explain

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.
A man came in and asked the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?'
The farmer shook his head and replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'
'So what happened that's so horrible?' the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
'Well,' the farmer said, 'today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.'
'Okay,' said the man, 'but that's not so bad.' 'Some things you just can't explain,' the farmer replied.
'So what happened then?' the man asked. The farmer said, 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.'
'And then?' 'Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.'
Man laughed and said, 'Again?' The farmer replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'
'So, what did you do then?' the man asked. 'I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.'
'And then?' 'Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.
Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
'Hmmm . . . ' the man said and nodded his head. 'Some things you just can't explain,' the farmer said.
'So, what did you do?' the man asked.
'Well,' the farmer said, 'I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain.'

#joke #animal #cow #drinks #milk
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.85/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (67)

“I went to a bakery t

“I went to a bakery that advertised 'All Cakes £”

#joke #short #food #cake
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

Door To Door

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: “Ma’am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”

#joke #animal #cat
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 8.22/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (18)

Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Easter

10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments." 9. You look really, really good in yellow. 8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge. 7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad. 6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies. 5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed. 4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason. 3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play." 2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot. 1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too? From EasterHumor.com
#joke #friday #animal #bunny #food #egg #chocolate
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 February 2017
  • Currently 1.36/10

Rating: 1.4/10 (11)

One Sunday, in counting the mo...

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinct ivepink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot,are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful;what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno"
#joke #animal #cat
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 August 2015
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Every time an Indian walks int...

Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.

One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the chief masturbating again. He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman."

The chief says, "Her arm get tired."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 24 June 2010
  • Currently 4.42/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (64)

vampire lesbians

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?. Same time next month?.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 24 June 2011
  • Currently 3.08/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (60)

Chuck Norris can win at solita...

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 24 June 2011
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (55)

12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

#joke #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 24 June 2010
  • Currently 6.64/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (50)

The strong young man at the co...

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 24 June 2010
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (46)

Senior Citizen

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked
"What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 November 2012
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (6)

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