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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 16 August 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 16 August 2017

Little Workers

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a nature history lesson.
'Worker ants,' she told them, 'can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?'
One child was ready with the answer, 'They don't have a union?'

 

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 6.58/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (12)

An old guy was working out in

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer that was near by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I think you should try the ATM in the lobby."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

SLIDESHOW #53 - Funny Photo Slideshow

“What did the tree sa

“What did the tree say to the bush? That's vine with me.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

If you want to get the nurse’s attention after a urine test, you better pee cup.
#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

Phone service...

Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.

"CTC? Who are they?"

"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

#joke
  • Currently 2.38/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (16)

 Knock Knock Collection 154


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Robert!
Robert who?
Roberts and burglars will rob you blind!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Robin!
Robin who?
Robin your house!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rocky!
Rocky who?
Rocky bye baby on the tree top...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Roland!
Roland who?
Roland Stone gathers no moss!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.“I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves. They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 15 March 2017
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (32)

1. I can please only one perso

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 January 2017
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (12)

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was real...

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 August 2011
  • Currently 2.95/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (58)

Little Johnny was sitting in c...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 August 2010
  • Currently 6.35/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (43)

Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a “Truck Wedgie.”

Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 August 2011
  • Currently 6.55/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (42)

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 August 2016
  • Currently 5.97/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (37)

Bad Temper Problem


Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 August 2010
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (33)

Like father like son

Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 October 2016
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

World Post Day Jokes

On 9th October we celebrate World Post Day! Here's some postal humor for you:

What’s a postman’s favorite type of music?
Mail-ody!

Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office?
Because it was a mail dominated industry

Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?
Fission mailed!

So I got a phone call from the post office today...
...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

#worldpostday
#joke #lawyer
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

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