Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 13 September 2017

Power Outage

During a recent power outage my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPAD, and a new surround sound system were all shut down. Also, my cell phone battery was dead. To make matters worse it was raining
and I couldn't play golf.
So I go to the kitchen to make coffee, OOPS, the coffee maker requires power, so I sit down and talked to my wife for a couple of hours.
You know, she seems like a nice person.

 

Every morning, one of the secr

Every morning, one of the secretaries in an office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horoscope aloud.
"Gwen," said the boss finally, "you seem to be a normal, level headed person. Do you really believe in astrology?"
"Of course not. You know how skeptical we Capricorns are."

“A hair raising exper

“A hair raising experience sounds pretty good to a bald guy.”

YOU had a zero gravity experie

YOU had a zero gravity experience? No weigh.

Famous Mothers Quotes

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still could have written!”

MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!”

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.”

 Getting A Promotion

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.
"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Pete Holmes: Burger King God

I picture the Burger King king -- that's my God. You can have your God, I got my God. He's got the unmoving smiling face, the crown, the Whopper Jr. and he's up there watching. Just like, 'You wanna live? Have it your way.'

A southern farmer got in his p...

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farmand knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yerpa home?" he asked.
"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"
"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, hewent with pa and ma."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from onefoot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know whereall the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message ferpa."
Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's aboutyour brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finallyconceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, butI really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

Human cloning is outlawed beca...

Human cloning is outlawed because of Chuck Norris, because then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

A married couple was watching...

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."

Two men were hunting deer when...

Two men were hunting deer when a large bear rears up and begins to charge them.

The one man puts his running shoes on and begins to run with the other man.

The second man asks why he put them on because it wont help him out run the bear.

He said "I don't need to out run the bear I need to out run you."

An old man who loves to fish...

An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Serving Two Masters

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

A male ostrich was chasing two...

A male ostrich was chasing two female ostriches. The one female said to the other, "He's starting to gain on us, we better hide!" So, they stopped and stuck their heads in the sand.
The male ostrich said, "...Hey, where'd they go?"

Two elderly gentlemen from a r...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a palm tree when one turns to the other and says... "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age, how do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."