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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 19 September 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 19 September 2017

Grandmother Approved

Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn’t find a thing for her grandson.
'Maybe a video or something educational?' I asked.
'No, that’s not it,' she said.
We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye, a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.
'This is perfect,' she said, beaming. 'My daughter-in-law will hate it.'

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

A traveling salesman was about

A traveling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye. In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life.
Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.
"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."
"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

“Am I my brother's i

“Am I my brother's informant? I fink not!”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

Scarecrows don't frighten me nor do their empty threads.
#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.
2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4 - I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5 - I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6 - I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7 - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8 - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9 - If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.
10 - I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

and last but not least....

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add one minute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

#joke #sport #jogging #skiing #exercise
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

An elderly man is stopped by

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked wherehe is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and theeffects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying outlate."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time ofnight?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Don't take life too seriously..........no one makes it out alive anyway!!!
#joke #policeman #drinks #alcohol
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 20 April 2017
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

 Lightbulb Joke Collection 51


Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
Q: How many alt.music.pink-floyd readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 51. One to screw in the bulb, one to notice some small detail of the bulb-screwing and tie it into the Publius Enigma, 15 more to expand on his point, 12 to flame him, 10 to argue that you're not really screwing in a light bulb, that only Roger Waters can screw in a light bulb, 8 more to say that Dave Gilmour can screw in a light bulb better than Roger ever could, two to say that the best way to screw in a bulb is if Dave and Roger do it together, one to say that Syd Barrett is actually the best bulb-screwer, and of course one newbie to ask what Publius is, who will be subsequently referred to the FAQ, which he will then ask where to find.
Q: How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering "ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer (or similar) and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer (Thorn Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing software on mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something.
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Dozens and dozens to go round selling raffle tickets so they can afford to buy the new one.
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two, one to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years.
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are all too busy on much more important projects, like organizing each other's lifts to the veggie restaurant meal.

#joke #food #meal
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 15 December 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

I can not tell a lie...

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

#joke #sport #golf
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 September 2015
  • Currently 8.97/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (66)

Chuck Norris on a pogo stick p...

Chuck Norris on a pogo stick presents a danger to low flying aircraft.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 September 2011
  • Currently 3.14/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (57)

Moving Testimony

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 September 2010
  • Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (48)

Things to Ponder

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you're ahead?”

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists — most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration…

#joke #animal #bear #fish #food
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 September 2011
  • Currently 7.51/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (43)

You might be a redneck if ...

You might be a redneck if...

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.

Your house has a kickstand.

You drive around a parking lot for fun.

Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".

You have to duct tape your gloves on.

You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.

Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.

You think that Marlboro is a cologne.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 September 2011
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (40)

Harry and Esther are out shopp...

Harry and Esther are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric."
Harry replies, "How about a chair?"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 20 August 2015
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

5 Best Office Jokes great for Mid-Week Laughter

1. Vengeance and the Boss
"My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We’ll see about that."

2. Nodding Off in Meetings

"The reason we 'nod off to sleep' is so it looks like we’re just emphatically agreeing with everything when we’re in a boring meeting."

3. Emergency Contact Humor
"When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write,
'A very good doctor'."

4. Team Work Irony
"Team work is important;
it helps to put the blame on someone else."

5. Multitasking Expertise
"I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once."


#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

45 clean romantic Knock knock jokes

1. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to get to know you better!

2. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce go on a date and make some memories together!

3. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you want to go out with me?

4. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Amour.
Amour who?
Amour than happy to have met you!

5. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Kiss.
Kiss who?
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?

6. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, I'm falling for you!

7. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Charming.
Charming who?
Charming to meet you. Can I take you out for dinner?

8. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry nice to meet you. Can I have your number?

9. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid called. He wants his arrow back because I've fallen for you!

10. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Fella.
Fella who?
Fella madly in love with you!

11. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda hang out with me this weekend?

12. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Romeo.
Romeo who?
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Just kidding, let's go out!

13. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Apple-ogize for taking up your time, but can I take you out?

14. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cuddle.
Cuddle who?
Cuddle me close, and let's have a fantastic time!

15. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Prince.
Prince who?
Prince Charming has finally arrived, and he's asking you out!

16. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo, who?
Don't cry, babe, it's just me!

17. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to hold you tight!

18. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce snuggle up and watch our favorite movie together!

19. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you know how much I love you?

20. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sweetie.
Sweetie who?
Sweetie, you make my heart skip a beat!

21. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, you're the sweetest thing in my life!

22. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Darling.
Darling who?
Darling, you light up my world!

23. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry in love with you, my darling!

24. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid struck me with love the moment I met you!

25. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby, you complete me!

26. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angel.
Angel who?
Angel, you're the one I've been waiting for!

27. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Juliet.
Juliet who?
Juliet, I can't stop thinking about you!

28. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Apple of my eye, you're the one for me!

29. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cuddle.
Cuddle who?
Cuddle me close, my love!

30. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Princess.
Princess who?
Princess, you're the queen of my heart!

31. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce cuddle up and create a cozy paradise of love!

32. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to explore a world of adventures with you!

33. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, you're my sweet addiction, and I can't get enough of you!

34. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby, you light up my world like nobody else!

35. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry lucky to have you by my side, my love!

36. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid shot an arrow, and it struck my heart when I met you!

37. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mystery.
Mystery who?
Mystery deepens when I think of you, and I'm excited to uncover it together!

38. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Prince.
Prince who?
Prince Charming might be a fairy tale, but you're my real-life prince!

39. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Flirt.
Flirt who?
Flirt with me forever, and let's keep the spark alive!

40. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angel.
Angel who?
Angel, you bring heaven into my life, and I'm grateful for every moment with you!

41. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Daisy.
Daisy who?
Daisy, you make me smile every day, and I'm so lucky to have you!

42. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Romeo.
Romeo who?
Romeo couldn't resist knocking on your heart, and I'm here to stay!

43. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Echo.
Echo who?
Echo, you've captured my heart, and your love echoes through my soul!

44. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sunshine.
Sunshine who?
Sunshine, you brighten up my world, and I'm forever grateful for you!

45. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dream.
Dream who?
Dream, you're the one I've been waiting for, and being with you is a dream come true!

#joke #fruit #apple #food #dinner #olive #sugar
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

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