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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 23 September 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 23 September 2017

A blonde arrived for her first...

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis."
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."
#joke #blonde #sport #golf
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.21/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (47)

Beer contains and female hormones

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

#joke #drinks #beer
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.22/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (18)

A special celebration...

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."

#joke #animal #horse #food #breakfast #wedding #bride
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.07/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (14)

A Penny for Your Thoughts

One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

“I used to not like N

“I used to not like Newtons, but now they're my favorite snack. Go fig.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

 Birthday Party

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older. You are just getting better."
Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
#joke #doctor #food #cake
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 13 January 2017
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Bowling ball humor

I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.

#joke #animal #chicken #food #pizza
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 September 2011
  • Currently 6.11/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (44)

The chemical formula for the h...

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 September 2011
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (44)

Beer Machismo

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."

The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."

The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."

The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."

The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"

He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."

#joke #drinks #coke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 September 2011
  • Currently 7.10/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (39)

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

#joke #animal #fish #drinks #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 September 2009
  • Currently 7.51/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (35)

Question And Answer

Q: What is the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem, you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.


Q: What does an accountant do for birth control?
A. He talks about his business.


Q: What is an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.


Q: What is an insolvency practitioner?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.


There are just three types of accountants:
Those who can count and those who can't.


Q: Why did the auditor cross the road?
A: Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.


Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.


Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A: Depreciation.


Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?
A: The accountant knows he is boring.


Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two accountants were arguing over a penny.


Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.


Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.


Q: What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.


Q: What's an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of his/her own.


Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.


Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.


Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.


Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humor.


Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.


Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.


Q: What is GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles)?
A: The difference between accounting theory and practice.
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 20 January 2015
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Lettter from god

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on.

He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth - 95 percent of people were bad and only 5 percent were good.

Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him down to earth for a time.

When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him - yes, the earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were good.

God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to help keep them going.

Do you know what the letter said?

Oh, so you didn't get one either?

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 April 2016
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Exciting Period

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 20 July 2014
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (6)

A Woman who opens her heart to love you

A Woman who opens her heart to love you, when it’s already broken, is braver than any person you’ll meet.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 November 2015
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Everything you eat tastes like

Everything you eat tastes like licorice? Talk about anise problem to have.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 13 February 2017
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

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