Jokes of the day for Sunday, 24 September 2017

A grade school teacher was ask

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

NASA is full of yes men. They

NASA is full of yes men. They should call it YASA.

There were some backwoods hill

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?
He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

So what are your plans?

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

A Penny for Your Thoughts

One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50.”

“I used to not like N

“I used to not like Newtons, but now they're my favorite snack. Go fig.”

 School Collection 02

Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down!

A history joke
What was Camelot?
A place where people parked their camels!

A history joke
Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia?
Must have been a duck family
A duck family?
Didn't you say there was a quack in it!

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school
A math joke
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair!
You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

Chuck Norris listens to "Requi...

Chuck Norris listens to "Requiem for a Tower" when he eats pancakes.

Dating a Nun

Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a nun?
He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she declined on account of she had taken a vow abstaining from Carnival pleasures.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeerLover

Sticks and stones may break yo...

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquify your kidneys.

Best room in the hotel?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

Kangaroo Sleepovers

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."

A lawyer was on vacation in a...

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

A grocer put up a sign that re...

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each — three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer agreed and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

22 Friday The 13th Jokes

What’s way worse than Friday the 13th?
Monday the whatever.

Why is Friday the thirteenth one of the worst days to get arrested on?
Because the judge will only be in on Monday.

What day do eggs hate most?
Fry-day the 13th!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice-cream, you scream, we all scream because it’s Friday Thirteenth.

What’s the worst part about waking up to realize it’s Friday the thirteenth?
Realizing that you still have to go to work.

Why are people scared of going out of the house on Friday the thirteenth?
Because of shark attacks.

Why don’t people like going to work on Friday the thirteenth every year?
Because they hate their jobs very much for the rest of the year too.

Why do people say that Friday the thirteenth is one of the unluckiest day of the year?
Oh, don’t worry about it if you don’t know, you’ll find out.

What’s the worst thing that can happen on Friday the thirteenth?
Getting married.

Why did the old man wake up on Friday the 13th and decide that nothing bad could happen to him all day?
Because he had already gotten married.

What’s the best thing you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Continue to be depressed about your last divorce.

Why should you play the lottery on Friday the thirteenth?
Because when you lose this time, you’ll at least expect it.

What’s the most unlucky thing that you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Be born into the world.

Why should you never go out on a date on Friday the thirteenth?
Because everyone knows it’s the one day of the year where you won’t be lucky.

What usually happens on Friday the thirteenth?
Nothing at all.

Killers eagerly look forward to which day of the month?
Fri-Die the 13th.

Which types of people consider Friday the thirteenth as lucky as any other day?
The smart ones.

How do you know that it’s Friday the 13th?
Everyone will tell you.

Why do people consider Friday the 13th unlucky?
Because it’s not a Saturday.

What starts with the letter J and gets called the reason for the season by some people who celebrate this special holiday?
Jason.

What do you call someone who wakes up on Saturday the fourteenth?
Lucky.

What’s the most difficult part about the average Friday the thirteenth?
Making sure that you survive it.