Jokes of the day for Friday, 03 November 2017
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 03 November 2017|
Now Don't Get Nervous
Patient 1: “Why did you run away from the operation table?”
Patient 2: “The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only’, things like that.”
Patient 1: “So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?”
Patient 2: “She was talking to the surgeon!”
A police officer, though schedA police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise...
"Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
“Money launderers are
“Money launderers are filthy rich!”
To all the social media innovaTo all the social media innovators spreading online chicken memes, please, GIF yourself a big hen!
Must Be Out Of Shape
The Top Signs You're Out of Shape
- You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.
- People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"
- You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.
- Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.
- Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.
- You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.
- You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.
- Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.
- The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"
Birds of a feather flock togetBirds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dogrun to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at theright time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by thenyour body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy areplacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind toblame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he'sreally in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look forit. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinklesdon't hurt.
Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
The $5,000,000 question....
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.
"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first."
The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."
The audience silenced with gross anticipation . . .
"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"
A man placed some flowers o...
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
On the first day God created t...On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (*sigh*).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again (...???...)
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
A taxpayer received a strongly...A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."