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Jokes of the day for Friday, 03 November 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 03 November 2017

Now Don't Get Nervous

Patient 1: “Why did you run away from the operation table?”

Patient 2: “The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only’, things like that.”

Patient 1: “So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?”

Patient 2: “She was talking to the surgeon!”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.71/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (14)

A police officer, though sched

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise...
"Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
#joke #policeman #food #honey
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

“Money launderers are

“Money launderers are filthy rich!”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

To all the social media innova

To all the social media innovators spreading online chicken memes, please, GIF yourself a big hen!
#joke #short #animal #chicken
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

 Must Be Out Of Shape


The Top Signs You're Out of Shape

  1. You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.
  2. People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"
  3. You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.
  4. Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.
  5. Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.
  6. You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.
  7. You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.
  8. Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.
  9. The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"


#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 June 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Birds of a feather flock toget

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dogrun to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at theright time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by thenyour body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy areplacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind toblame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he'sreally in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look forit. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinklesdon't hurt.
Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
#joke #animal #bird
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 December 2014
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

The $5,000,000 question....

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation . . .

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 November 2014
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (14)

A man placed some flowers o...

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 November 2009
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (67)

Chuck Norris is the only man t...

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
#joke #short #chuck-norris #sport #tennis
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 November 2011
  • Currently 2.96/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (52)

On the first day God created t...

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (*sigh*).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again (...???...)

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
#joke #animal #dog #monkey #cow #drinks #milk
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 November 2009
  • Currently 7.98/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (46)

A taxpayer received a strongly...

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 November 2016
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (36)

Dennis Gaxiola: Trophy Wife

I got a trophy wife. I know thats not right to say, cause if youre married thats your trophy. Im just saying not everybody got a first place trophy. Some people end up with a plaque. You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 November 2011
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (32)

Bells on Cows

Q: Why do farmers put bells on cows?

A: Their horns don't work.

#joke #short #animal #cow
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 10 August 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

One more set of Thanksgiving jokes - new from 2023

Why is Thanksgiving a great holiday for gossip?
Because the best part are the side dishes.

Why do turkeys love R-rated movies?
Because they use fowl language.

If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
Scholar ships.

Why are Thanksgiving and Halloween similar?
They both have gobble-ins.

Check more of New Thanksgiving jokes from 2023.

How many pastry chefs does it take to make a pie??
3.14.

What are turkeys most thankful for on Thanksgiving?
Vegans.

What do Thanksgiving turkeys become after they die?
Poultrygeists.

What's Inside a Genie's Turkey?
Wishbones.

What did pilgrims use to make cookies?
May Flour!

Check out our collection of new (and old) Thanksgiving jokes.

Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey at Thanksgiving?
Because they couldn't get the moose in the oven!

Why are Thanksgiving bread jokes always funny?
Because they never get mold.

What did Dad say when he was asked to say grace?
“Grace.”

What did the Thanksgiving turkey say to the Christmas ham?
Nice to meat you.

Why don’t side dishes tell jokes?
They’re too corny.

What do you call a sad cranberry?
A blueberry.

What’s the best way to keep a turkey in suspense?
You’ll find out at Thanksgiving dinner!

What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?
The casse-role.

Need more Thanksgiving jokes? There some Thanksgiving jokes that were new not so long ago Thanksgiving jokes that were new recently

#joke #halloween #christmas #thanksgiving #animal #turkey #fruit #blueberry #food #bread #dinner #beans #ham #pie #meat
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

A Meticulous Plan Goes Completely Wrong

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (36)

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