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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 29 November 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 29 November 2017

“A chiropractor is a

“A chiropractor is a lumbar jack.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

A young boy returned from his

A young boy returned from his first music lesson on the bass. "How did it go?" asked his father.
"Great," said the boy. "I learned how to play a 'C'."
The next week the boy took another lesson and his father asked about the lesson.
"Terrific," said the boy. "I learned how to play a 'G'."
The following week the boy did not come home. The father was frantic when the boy finally came home it was after 2:00 AM.
"Where in the world have you been?" screamed the father.
"I had a gig," answered the son.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

How Are You Feeling?

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?"
#joke #lawyer #animal #mule
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

I moved to Mexico to become an

I moved to Mexico to become an egg. It's my new religion. I'm a Yo Huevos Witness.
#joke #short #food #egg
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

The Turkey That Got Away

#joke #short #animal #turkey
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

1. A bicycle can't stand alon

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalismit's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft andI'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine isfully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in Francewould result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN downunder.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn'tfind the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was neverdeveloped.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped fromprison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches willbe exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you'veseen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of grayhair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to knowbasis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer theagony of defeat.
#joke #animal #chicken #fruit #banana #food #bread #egg #hungry
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 March 2015
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Fun at the zoo!

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

#joke #animal
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 05 December 2014
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (11)

A married couple went to the h...

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 November 2009
  • Currently 6.29/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (75)

An enterprising, but bashful s...

An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in Korea for his first time. While the rest of the guys are out having a jolly good time in the red light district of Pusan, our hero just can't get up the nerve to ask the local girls how much it costs for a good time.

He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a get laid plan.

One of the local girls approaches him and asks, "Wat is you name?"

He replies, "Rick Venus"

She says, "Lick Penus?"

He says, "Sure how much?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 November 2009
  • Currently 4.87/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (52)

One man said to the other...

One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 November 2010
  • Currently 8.16/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (43)

Pregnant Tree

How does a tree get pregnant?
By a woodpecker!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 29 November 2014
  • Currently 8.68/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (38)

Chris Rock: Invading a Country with Oil

Let me get this straight. We invade a country with oil, but gas costs more? That dont make no f**king sense! Now I didnt go to no fancy school or nothing, but Ill tell you this right now -- if I invade Kentucky Fried Chicken, wings will be cheap at my house.
#joke #short #animal #chicken
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 November 2010
  • Currently 5.21/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (33)

Name the animals...

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"

#joke #animal #sheep #goat #lion #deer #lamb
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 December 2014
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

Kiss

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word “KISS” scribbled on it.
A guest seated next to the speaker said, “Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much.” speaker replied, “You don't know my wife. The letters stand for “Keep It Short, Stupid.”

#joke #food #dinner
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 April 2014
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (9)

The pickle slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for many years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did," he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?" she asked.

"I got fired," he replied.

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she demanded.

"Oh... she got fired too."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 May 2013
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (9)

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